Tales of Satirical Losers
by Sirens And Muses
Summary: Our parody! Why is it in the 'western' genre? Because no one else's is! Please review! Rated T because life works that way.
1. Crack Talks Back

**Siren: This is our parody. It is horrible. Just awful. Don't read it.**

**Muse: We don't own Tales of Symphonia.**

**Siren: Who let you talk? **

**Muse: Since when do I need permission to talk?**

**Siren: *****sprays with water* Bad kitty!**

**Muse: Get on with the parody!**

* * *

_(ZAPPING NOISE)_

_Yo, listen up, here's a story_

_About a little guy that lives in a blue world_

_And all day and all night and everything he sees_

_Is just blue, like him, inside and outside_

_Blue, his house, with a blue little window_

_And a blue Corvette and everything is blue_

_For him and himself and everybody around_

_Cus he ain't got nobody to listen_

_And that marked the beginning of the regeneration of the world._

"Lloyd Irving, wake up!"

Suddenly, a chalk eraser hit him. "Wake up, you lazy asshole!" Following the chalk eraser was a tub of whipped cream, a cafeteria table, and a little girl with pigtails.

"Ack! I'm awake, for Christ's sake!" Lloyd chucked the screaming girl back at the teacher.

"I know," Raine responded. "I just wanted to throw things at you. By the way, Lloyd Irving? What a gay name. Why the hell would a game company name their heroes names like Lloyd or Emil?"

"Don't you have a question to ask me? You know, something that might explain to someone watching us what the current problems in the world are and how we plan to fix them?"

"No. No, Lloyd, I don't."

A bright light flashed. Everyone screamed.

"Calm down, everyone!" Raine took out her stick and began to beat random children with it. "I said, calm down! That's just the oracle!"

"What the hell is the oracle?" Lloyd asked. "Is it some kind of food?"

"Ooh!" Colette looked around excitedly. "I love food!"

"No, it's not food." Colette's face fell. "I'm going to the temple. Stay here and study on your own." Raine left.

"Why the hell would she do that? What a lousy teacher. I hope she dies in a fiery car wreck. Like Shingleton." Lloyd walked over to the doorway. "Come on, Genis, let's go to the temple. I want food."

"Who the hell is Shingleton? What food? What the hell are you talking about?" Genis stood up. "Lloyd, have you been smoking pot? A lot of pot?"

Lloyd shoved his joint back into his pocket. "No…" He looked around for a distraction and found it in the shape of Colette. "Uh, hey, Colette, don't you want to go to the temple?"

"Not particularly. I have bad memories of that place. The priests there molest me." Colette bowed her head sadly. "But Grandma said it was a small price to pay for salvation."

"Oh, so that's why you're so sexually repressed. I just thought you'd been neutered," Lloyd said dumbly.

"Uh, Lloyd?" Genis said quizzically. "Two things wrong with that. One, Colette can't be neutered. Two, how did you get that she's sexually repressed?"

"Shingleton told me."

"You really need to get off the pot."

"Pot has nothing to do with it, Genis," Lloyd said, grabbing Colette's arm and dragging her towards the door. "Hey, what's that hole in the wall?"

Suddenly, Colette burst into tears and slapped Lloyd. "Jerk!" Then she promptly ran out of the schoolhouse.

"What'd I say?" Lloyd asked innocently.

"Lloyd, don't you remember? Colette doesn't like to talk about that time when-"

"Ahhhhhh!" Colette's high pitched scream cut off Genis' explanation of whatever disturbing image the authors were going to give you.

"Was that a scream?" Lloyd asked.

"No," Genis said sarcastically. "I thought it was a just a giraffe."

"Oh, well, in that case-"

"Let's go!" Genis yanked his friend out the door.

They walked out and discovered Colette and a dying priest.

"Are you okay, random dying priest?" Lloyd called as they got closer.

"Desians…attacked the…temple…"

"How do you know they're Desians and not some organization that looks exactly like Desians, but is secretly trying to bring them down from the inside?" Genis asked suspiciously.

"Ugh…I'm dying…" He looked at Colette. "Chosen, please…save the world…" Then he died a very anticlimactic death.

"What an anticlimactic death," Lloyd remarked. "It's kind of like when Finny died in 'A Separate Peace.' He just kind of…died. Like, you didn't even get to _see_ him die. The doctor just told Gene that his friend was dead."

"Well," Genis asked, "what would your alternate ending be?"

"Okay, check it out. Here's what would happen: Gene would walk into the operating room to see the doctor cutting Finny open to harvest his organs and sell them on the black market. Then, Finny would begin to have a huge seizure and spontaneously combust. As this is all happening, a random Army truck would smash through the wall and they'd all die."

"Is this what you think about in math class?" Genis asked.

"Can you get this dead priest off of me?" Colette asked from where she stood with the dead priest, whose hand was up her dress. Lloyd punted him across town.

"There. Problem solved. Let's go to the temple."

Suddenly, Frank appeared.

"Whoa!" Lloyd blinked. "Dude, did you just come from nowhere?"

"Yes." Frank turned to Colette. "Colette, are you going to the temple?"

"Yes, Father."

"Be careful."

"What the hell?" Lloyd yelled. "You're a terrible father! What kind of parent just lets his daughter go off to a dangerous, monster-infested, bad guy invaded temple of a fake goddess, by herself?"

"The kind who lets her be molested by dead priests."

"You know what?" Lloyd pulled out his swords. "Screw you, man! You don't have a purpose in this story!"

Frank bursted into tears. "I know! I'm useless and pretty much everybody hates me! I need a hug!" He looked up to see that Lloyd had killed him.

"Ha! What now? No hug for you!"

"Lloyd?" Genis tapped his friend's shoulder. "How did you figure out how to fight without going through a tutorial?"

"Easy. I just pressed random buttons until he was dead."

"Fantastic. Fan-fucking-tastic. I'm traveling with a sexually disturbed blonde chick and a pot smoking idiot."

"Don't forget the crack, Genis. _Never_ forget the crack." Lloyd pulled out a small bag of white powder and kissed it. "I love you, crack." His voice went to falsetto, pretending to be the crack, which was apparently answering him. "I love you, too, Lloyd."

"…Let's just go to the temple."

* * *

**Siren:** **Don't you feel your IQ dropping as you read? Isn't it dumb?**

**Muse: By the way, if you haven't read 'A Seperate Peace', a word of advice. Don't.**

**Siren: So, this was a short, fast chapter. Hope you liked it. If not, get a sense of humor.**

**Muse: Very mature.**

**Siren: You want mature? Go write fanfiction with my grandmother.**

**Muse: You should stop reading now.**


	2. Kratos Goes Both Ways

**Siren: The second chapter of our parody!**

**Muse: ...**

**Siren: Muse had to go home...(cries)**

**Muse: ...**

**Siren: I need a friend.**

**(poof) Yuan: Wha? Is this where Kratos went?**

**Siren: No, Kratos is currently in my basement, being raped repeatedly by me. (smiles insanely) Wanna join him?**

**Yuan: Oh...my...god...YES!!!**

**Siren: That's kind of creepy.**

**Yuan: Wait...do I get to have yaoi S&M with Kratos?**

**Siren: Sure, why not?**

**Yuan: THEN YES!!**

**Siren: Seriously, man, that's incredibly disturbing...**

**Yuan: (laughing maniacally as he runs into Siren's basement)**

**Kratos: (screams)**

**SFX: (whips cracking, branding irons sizzling, electricity crackling)**

**Siren: Hey, wait, you have to say the disclaimer!**

**Yuan: Sirens & Muses do not own Tales of Symphonia. Get back here, Kratos!**

**Kratos: Call the police! Please! Anything!! (screams)**

**Siren: I gotta go. Review please!**

* * *

Our heroes continued their journey to the temple. As they left the town, they ran into…

"What the hell is that?!" Lloyd shouted, pointing at the large thing that was growling ahead of them.

"I think it's a blob," Genis said observantly.

"Oh, good deductive reasoning, Genis," Lloyd said angrily. "You're almost as good a detective as Light from Death Note. I mean, really. You find a notebook on the ground that says, 'DEATH NOTE' on the cover, and ask, 'What is this? A notebook of death?' NO, GENIUS, it's a notebook of newborn kittens, what do you think it is?!"

Lloyd looked around. "Uh, guys, where'd you go?"

"Oh," Colette called from ahead. "We stopped listening a while ago. You should really be more observant."

After Lloyd caught up to his friends, they arrived at the temple.

"Grandma!" Colette yelled.

"Run, Colette!" Phaidra yelled.

"Chosen One," a random dude called out," your life is mine!"

"Well," Lloyd said, "Colette, great times, but this random dude seems pretty serious, so, you know, I'd better get going home before he kills me."

"Desians? Hahahahaha!" A random 'Desian' laughed.

"…I think you missed what I just said…"

"Die at the hands of the Desians you hate so much," another guy said.

"Listen, you're missing the point…oh, never mind, I'll just kill you."

The battle engaged, in which Genis tried to cast magic, but ended up being beaten to a pulp. Colette, in an effort to help, accidently tripped over Genis and they both burst into flames. Lloyd sighed and killed the bad guys with absolutely no effort.

"And don't come back!" Genis yelled.

"You suck so bad, Genis," Lloyd said.

Suddenly, a huge guy with a hammer and flail appeared.

"Do not get in our way!"

Another battle ensued. Lloyd, in an effort to make thing easier, killed Colette and Genis.

"There we go, now I'll just kill this dude…"

Then, out of nowhere, Kratos appeared and held up his arm. Vidarr, upon seeing his foe's arm, was thrown back.

"Whoa," Genis said, magically alive, "that guy's arm is amazing!"

"I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU, GENIS!!" Lloyd yelled.

"Get out of the way," Kratos said.

"Make me," Lloyd answered, sticking his tongue out.

"I will."

"Tough words coming from a guy dressed in fucking PURPLE!"

Vidarr charged again and the battle went on. Kratos and Lloyd promptly kicked ass, while Genis and Colette continued to be more useless than a spool of thread in a plane crash.

"Keep working on it, okay?" Genis said.

"Who the hell are you talking to? He's dead." Lloyd shook his head. "And they say _I'm_ retarded," he mumbled to his bag of crack.

"I never thought you'd show up," Botta said to Kratos. "Damn! Retreat for now."

"What the hell?! I kicked your sorry asses, too! Why aren't you running from me?!" Lloyd said.

"Because you can't get away with wearing purple, can you?" Botta said as he ran away like a scared bunny rabbit.

"Is everyone alright? No one seems to be hurt," Kratos said.

"What the hell kind of an arrogant asshole are you? Did you not see me kicking ass back there?"

"No."

"Well, FUCK YOU. Hey, is that an Exsphere that just sparkled conspicuously?"

"No, it was the product of a horrible quarry accident. My co-workers bet money that no one could weld a rock to a human hand. As it turns out, you can."

"How can I ever thank you for saving the Chosen?" Phaidra said, ignoring the conversation taking place between Lloyd and Kratos.

"You could let me make her my sex slave," Kratos mumbled.

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Hmm?"

"So, this girl is the Chosen?" he said, pointing to Genis.

"I'm not a girl!" Genis yelled.

Lloyd snorted. "Okay, Genis, we believe you," he said sarcastically.

"I'm the Chosen, random stranger! And I have to go accept the oracle." Colette turned to her grandmother. "I'm going to undergo the trial now."

"Dear, I told you, the magistrate dropped those charges-oh, you meant the other trial. Silly me."

"What trial?" Lloyd asked, being his usual dumb self and not knowing these things.

"The monsters, I assume," Kratos said, being his usual arrogant self and knowing these things.

"Well, you know what they say about assumptions. They make an ass outta you and me."

"The priests that were supposed to protect you are dead now," Phaidra said, moving things along.

"Ooh! Ooh! I'll protect her! Pick me!" Lloyd waved his hands wildly in the air.

"Lloyd? I would be uneasy with just you, what with all the drugs you sell on the street. Speaking of which, tell Pedro I'll be by on Friday for my usual."

"Will do."

"You sell drugs?" Kratos asked. "And your name is Lloyd?"

"Are you a cop?"

"No."

"Then, in that case, yes."

"I'll accept the task of guarding the Chosen," Kratos told Phaidra.

"What does that have to do with anything we were talking about?" Lloyd asked.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"Well," Phaidra said, "I guess you can, guy I just met two minutes and thirty-six seconds ago. Just a few background questions. Are you gay?"

"…Technically, no."

"Are you on drugs?"

"Not at this moment."

"Then I think we're good. Just try not to rape, beat, torture, or kill anyone while you're in there."

"Hey, can we go, too?" Lloyd asked.

"No, I hate you and hope you die in a fiery car wreck, like Shingleton," Kratos said.

"Mr. Kratos, can Lloyd come with us?" Colette piped up. "I feel nervous when he's not around. Lord only knows what would happen if I came down and he wasn't here with my emergency stash."

"Do as you wish." Kratos said, disgusted at losing an argument with a sixteen-year-old blonde girl.

"Thanks, Colette," Lloyd said as they walked inside.

"Don't flatter yourself, Lloyd, you're only here as my supplier."

"Did you guys forget about me?" Genis asked.

"God, I hate you so much, Genis. You're voice is so whiny, your hair makes you look like a fag, and your outfit is tacky," Colette said angrily. "Get the hell away from me!"

Genis cried. "Lloyd, you're my best friend, right?"

"Genis, in no parrallel universe would I ever be your friend."

"Kr-Kratos?" he sniffled hopefully.

"YOU ARE UNLOVED!" Kratos said abruptly.

The foursome continued into the temple, but the authors are tired, so that's as far we're getting in this chapter. Stay tuned for next time, when Lloyd discovers heroin, Kratos forgets to take his meds, child pornographers adopt Colette, and Genis is still unloved and useless!


	3. Angel Therapy And Theme Songs

**Siren: (sniffles) Muse made me send Kratos and Yuan back.**

**Muse: They were raping each other in the basement!**

**Siren: Okay, first of all, it's not rape if it's willing. Secondly, only Yuan was doing the raping.**

**Muse: I bet some of our fans read just for the A/N.**

**Siren: It's like a whole seperate crackfic!**

**Muse: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS, any characters, or their emergency stash.**

**Siren: YAY! PARODY!**

* * *

When we last left our heroes, they had just entered the temple.

"There are monsters in here," Kratos said. "Be careful."

"So's your face!" Lloyd yelled.

"Lloyd, are your sword techniques self taught?" Kratos asked, completely ignoring Lloyd's remark.

"Yeah, so what? You wanna fight? Huh?"

"No, that comes later in the game. Here, take this book you won't read until your third playthrough, when you realize that it really would've helped back when you first played."

"Sure, why not?"

The group walked straight and approached a strange, mystical force field that was blocking their way.

"Ow!" Lloyd said, walking into the force field.

"Lloyd, I don't think we can go further," Genis said as his friend tried to pass through it again.

"Shut up, Genis. You think you're so smart, what with your advanceded edumication." Lloyd flipped the half-elf off, who began to cry.

"Hey!" Kratos yelled back to them. "You guys do know we ditched you, right?"

"No, you can't ditch me! I'm too awesome to be ditched!" Lloyd chased after them, dragging a sobbing Genis behind him. "And Genis is keeping the emergency stash safe in his bra!"

"I don't wear a bra, I'm not a girl!" Genis screamed.

"Uh, what are we looking for again?" Lloyd asked, finally catching up to Kratos and Colette.

"A ring the size of a headband. It shoots fire, you can't miss it," Kratos answered.

"What's this fire-shooting ring called?" Lloyd asked.

"The Sorcerer's Ring."

Suddenly, three British kids busted down the wall.

"Did you just say the Sorcerer's Stone?!" one asked excitedly.

"Um…no."

Suddenly, a short blonde guy with metal limbs and a giant suit of armor busted down another wall right behind the British kids.

"Did you just say the Philosopher's Stone?!"

"Nope," Kratos said. "Sorcerer's Ring."

"Sorcerer's Stone," Random British Kid said. "Sorry."

The random people went back through the busted down walls from whence they came, not happy that they'd failed at finding their respective stones.

"That was weird," Lloyd said. They went down a hall and, after battling a few deadly caterpillars, came upon a chest.

Lloyd ran away to open it. "Oh, sweet!" he yelled back. "It's a…bottle of liquid!"

"That's a life bottle, dumbass," Kratos said.

"Oh, so that's why it says 'life bottle' on it!" Colette smacked her head. "I was wondering what that meant."

Kratos stared at her. "Are you serious?"

"Of course!"

"Game over. Sylvarant's fucked."

The group continued on down stairs, until they got to a room with holes in the floor.

"What the hell?" Genis asked. "Was the architect sloshed when he designed this room?"

"OH MY GOSH!!" Colette ran up to a rock that looked suspiciously like a rock-monster. "Is this a rock?!"

"Look out, you dumb blonde!" Kratos ran over to kick the rock-monster's ass. After doing so, it turned into a very square…rock.

"How come all of the other enemies' bodies disappear, but this one becomes a rock?" Lloyd asked.

"To make you ask questions," Kratos answered back.

"OH NO, I'M GOING TO TRIP OVER NOTHING WITH ABSOLUTELY NO PROVOCATION WHATSOEVER AND SHOVE THIS ROCK INTO A HOLE IN THE FLOOR, THEREFORE SOLVING THE PUZZLE!" Colette screamed as she fell. "Look out!"

The rock fell through the hole in the floor, making a path to another set of stairs.

"Oh, I get it," Genis and Kratos said, lightbulbs appearing out of their heads.

"What are those lightbulbs doing there?" Lloyd asked.

Ignoring him, Kratos shoved Genis into the hole. "My turn to be smart!" he yelled after him.

After solving the puzzle, which a five-year-old with brain damage could figure out, the group went up and got the Sorcerer's Ring. Lloyd grabbed it out of Kratos' hand.

"Suh-weeeeet!" he shouted. "Let's play with fire!" He shot the ring, which lit the room on fire.

"Um…oh, shit, let's go." Lloyd pointed towards the stairs. "I have experience with fire, and it turns out to be painful. And the firemen are all assholes."

The group returned to the original hall with the force field. After Lloyd tried three more times to walk straight through it, Kratos grabbed the ring back and opened the way.

"What a lame-ass ring," Lloyd complained. "It just shoots fire. I mean, I could get a flame-thrower from eBay and do more damage."

"Shut up, Lloyd, you're dumb," Kratos said, yanking him into the portal.

They came into a room which clearly was an alter room.

"This is the alter room," Colette said.

"Thanks, Captain of the Obvious." Kratos rolled his eyes.

"You're welcome, Kratos," Colette said, the insult just going over her head completely.

"Then that's a Fruit Gusher?" Lloyd asked, pointing to a glowing, inedible crystal.

"I think I got dumber since meeting you," Genis said.

Colette smiled at Lloyd. "That's the Cruxis Crystal. They say I was born with that in my hand."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Lloyd screamed. "You were born with a glowing crystal in your hand?! Holy shit! I bet you could make big money as a circus freak."

"Look at the pretty light!" Kratos yelled at them, pointing. They both stared at it in awe. "That's right, go fetch the light, like a good puppy. No, not you, dumbass." He held Lloyd back from the light.

Suddenly, a speck of light flashed and a blonde angel that looked suspiciously like a male Colette appeared from it.

"What's that?" Lloyd asked. "Is that a Fruit Gusher?"

"What are you, retarded?" Kratos said.

"I am Remiel," the angel said in a booming, self-important voice. "I am an angel of judgement."

"I am not caring," Lloyd said, in a bored voice.

"I'm here to guide-" Remiel sighed and massaged his temples. "You know what? I'm going to paraphrase."

"You're a lousy angel," Lloyd said.

"Listen, I've had a crappy day. My ex and I are trying to be friends, but it's just not working out. Our kids are caught in the middle of it, and to top it all off, my new girlfriend just cleaned out my bank account and left me for a used car salesman named Chuck." Remiel sighed and sank to the floor. "Honestly, I have no idea why she left me."

"Well," Lloyd said, "when was the last time you told her how much you loved her?"

"Let me think…probably the night we hooked up in that hotel."

"Well, that's probably why. Communication is key in any relationship." Lloyd patted his shoulder.

"Oh…my…god…you're right!" Remiel shouted. "I'm going to go home right now and tell my kids I love them!"

"Ahem." Kratos pointed to a watch that had spontaneously appeared on his wrist. "We kind of need to get going, so could you explain where we're going?"

"Oh. Right." Remiel took up his self-important voice again. "Awaken the Goddess Martel! Have a weird glowing ruby necklace that formed on your mother's placental wall! Enjoy this huge Tower of Salvation! Unlock the seals! If you're going through hell, keep on going! Don't slow down! If you're scared, don't show it! You might get out before the devil even knows you're there!"

"Um…I humbly accept this task?" Colette said, having been thoroughly confused by the authors' use of country lyrics.

"Once you ascend into heaven, you'll save the world!" Remiel raised his arms up to the sky. "We will bless you with the powers of the angels with each seal you release!" He began to float upwards again.

"Wait! I have a question to ask you!" Colette waved her hands fractically. "Are you my father?"

"I will answer you at the Seal of Fire, my daughter." Remiel stopped. "Oh, wait, I guess I just did answer you. Oh, well, now you know." A glowing light appeared at his crotch-level and he vanished.

"Hey, Fruity and the Retard," Kratos said, addressing Genis and Lloyd. "We're outta here."

He picked Colette up and went through the portal, leaving Genis and Lloyd to stand there, wondering why they were still standing there. After finding the answer, they promptly left and headed for the exit. That's when they realized that Raine had come from nowhere and was blocking their path.

"Hey! You're supposed to be studying in class, not playing therapist to an angel!" Raine screamed. "THIS MEANS PUNISHMENT!"

Suddenly, the song 'Crazy Bitch' began to play.

"What the hell is that?" Lloyd asked.

"It's my theme song!" Raine shouted. She pinned down Genis and pulled out her staff.

"No, sister, not the stick, I don't like the stick!" He screamed as Raine began to spank him, beat him, and ended with a grand finale of shoving her stick up his ass.

"Well, one mystery solved," Lloyd mumbled, inching away to the exit.

"WAIT!" Raine grabbed him. "It's your turn to become a man, Lloyd!"

After Lloyd and Genis were done being beaten and sodomized, Raine poined to the exit. "You can leave now. Class is done for today."

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Lloyd screamed, trying not to bleed to death from his anus.

"Run, Lloyd! She'll attack again!" Genis screamed.

And with that, the pair ran screaming in fear away from their teacher/sister, who was laughing manically as the randomness continued. But not in this chapter.


	4. Banditos!

**Siren: Guess what? As we write this, we are babysitting my one year old neice, Korin!**

**Muse: Look! (holds up Korin)**

**Everyone Everywhere: AW! HOW CUTE!**

**Siren: Korin, would you like to say the disclaimer?**

**Korin: zeuhjjdrfgpioedkij'oea6yg54t4e3-5438975utjger,.dsn cEW3ORH./A,1R45F5A4666666A**

**Muse: Let me translate: 'Sirens & Muses don't own ToS, Cool Ranch Doritos, Hitler, the clap, the Maury Show, Mr. Deeds, the Refreshments, swine flu, any Mexican bank, Chicago the Musical, or Queen Latifah.'**

**Siren: What a disclaimer.**

**Korin: .olenfjrakmde iok4whj3o,r5t8i4ke3m,knfjiva dvouijkmer**

**Muse: Korin says, 'Review, please!'**

**Siren: How can you say no to that face?**

* * *

The story last left off with Lloyd and Genis running away from their abusive teacher/sister. They, for some unknown reason, went back into the school.

"Why'd we come back here?" Lloyd asked. But before he could get an answer, the two walked in on Raine standing there, staring at the chalkboard.

"What the hell? How'd she get back to the village before us?" Lloyd scratched his head.

"CLASS IS DONE! GO AWAY!" Raine screamed.

"Why are you here?" Genis asked.

"Oh, I'm leaving you. I'm going with Colette because you disturb me and I've grown tired of taking care of you."

While Genis broke into sobs in the corner, Lloyd asked, "Where'll Genis go? He's not staying at my house. He might molest me in my sleep." Lloyd glanced down at Genis, curled up in the fetal position and sucking his thumb. "You know how horny thirteen year old girls can be."

"FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, I'M NOT A GIRL!" Genis screamed, going into a fit of rage and beating Lloyd with a desk.

Once Lloyd had recovered from his injuries and Genis had gone back to the fetal position, Raine shook her head. "He really is a boy, Lloyd."

"Really? But I've seen him in the locker room…"

"It's just really tiny."

"Oh. Anyway, moving on from Genis' penis…" Lloyd stopped. "Hey, that rhymed!"

"Genis will be staying with Frank and Phaidra," Raine said.

"But I killed Frank," Lloyd protested.

"Raine, be careful," Genis said, finally getting out of the fetal position. "And don't go near that kid again. That restraining order hasn't been lifted yet."

"I'll be fine," she said soothingly.

The duo left the schoolhouse, where Raine was still staring at the chalkboard, apparently memorizing the color black, and went to Colette's house. Just as the mayor was summarizing the meeting. What luck.

"Then, we will entrust the protection of the Chosen to Kratos and Raine."

"I don't care, as long as the authors don't make me sleep with her," Kratos said, looking suspiciously at the sky. Suddenly, random lines came out of Colette's head.

"Who invited you two in here? There's a doorbell for a reason!" she yelled at them.

"I brought pot," Lloyd said, tossing a bag to her.

"YAY! You can come in." She looked at Genis. "Did you bring drugs? You're only welcome in my house if you brought drugs."

"Um…no?" Genis said quietly.

"THEN, AS PUNISHMENT, YOU MUST TAKE THE CURSED BOOK OF CRAP YOU'LL NEVER LOOK AT AGAIN!" Phaidra shrieked, levitating over the table as her eyes turned red and a black glow came off her body. She came back down into her seat and threw the Collector's Book at his head.

"Say, were you guys talking about the journey of regeneration just now?" Lloyd asked.

"No, we were talking about Cool Ranch Doritos," Kratos said sarcastically.

"Cool Ranch Doritos are amazing!" Lloyd said. "Now I'm hungry. Can I go on the world regeneration journey with you so that I can get some Doritos?"

"If Raine is going, I want to go, too," Genis said, as if somebody actually cared.

"No. You'll get in my way, I'll kill you, and then I'll have to face another double homicide charge, skip bail, and change my name," Kratos said. "I'm not going through _that_ again."

"What are you implying?" Lloyd asked.

"You suck. Go home."

"Kratos is right," the Mayor said. "You certainly do suck. Now, then, we're going to smoke this pot. Go home."

"HEIL HITLER!" Lloyd shouted as he left.

"Please, wait," Colette said when they were outside. Suddenly, she fell on top of Genis, who screamed.

"UNCLEAN!" he shrieked, running in circles as Colette got back up.

"I'm sorry, but you guys just suck too much," she said. "And I really want to see Kratos naked, so I wanna stay on his good side."

"Seriously, I think he's gay," Lloyd said. "And he seems like a blunette guy to me."

"Happy birthday, Colette!" Genis yelled randomly. "I baked some cookies four years ago, and I've been saving them in my pocket for a special moment like this."

"COOKIES! They go perfect with pot! Thanks, Genis!" Colette said, grabbing the cookies that didn't seem to exist and shoving them in her bra for safe keeping.

"Lloyd, you promised to make her a necklace, didn't you?" Genis asked.

"Yeah, um, so, you know Suzy? Yeah, I kind of gave it to her if she promised to-you know what? Never mind. It's almost done."

"Didn't Suzy get the clap?" Colette asked.

"Yeah, and it itches! Geez!" Lloyd scratched his crotch. "Anyway, see you, Colette."

"Didn't Suzy get pregnant, too?" Genis asked, once Colette had gone inside.

"Yeah, but we went on Maury and found out that the baby's father is the hobo in the clown costume who sits outside her house." Lloyd shrugged. "Good thing, too."

"Hey, Lloyd, can I stalk you halfway to your house?" Genis asked.

"Fine, but remember, my dad still has that shotgun, so don't go into the house," Lloyd warned. "Where are you going?"

"To see a friend," Genis answered.

"I didn't know you had a friend."

The two boys went into Genis' house. While there, Lloyd looked at a bookshelf.

"_How To Torture Somebody With A Balloon, A Greenday CD, And A Bottle Of Apple Juice,_" Lloyd read aloud. "Hey, Genis, can I borrow this book?"

"Sure," Genis answered. "Just get it back to me soon."

"Why did we come here again?" Lloyd randomly asked.

"To get bread to make sandwiches."

"How do you make sandwiches with just bread? Doesn't it have to have something else in it?"

"DO NOT QUESTION NAMCO!" Genis yelled.

After the boys ceased questioning Namco and getting bread, they went to the entrance to the city, where two guards were poking Noishe.

"Do you think it's diseased?" one asked.

"Maybe," the other answered. "We should kill it and autopsy it to find out."

"Hey, stop killing my dog!" Lloyd yelled.

"Dude, this is not a dog," a guard said. "Seriously, how many dogs are green and white, have ears the size of an elephant's, and are this big? If I had to take a guess, I'd say it's a horse."

"Whatever it is," the other guard said, "get it out of here. Oh, and the Mayor told me to tell you something."

"The Mayor? Well, that means I don't care," Lloyd said.

"It's about the _northwest forest_ you go through. You know there's a _human ranch_ on the way through, right?"

"Why do your words sound yellow?" Lloyd asked.

"Because you're dumb. Anyway, have you been playing around there?"

"Of course not!" Lloyd said. "I learned my lesson when the Desians stole my clothes, tied me to a tree, and burned me with cigarettes."

"Of course _I_ haven't!" Genis said. "Me, Genis, who has absolutely nothing to hide, is just going out of the village to visit a friend who certainly is not a prisoner in the ranch. Lloyd, can we go? I have to go see that friend now."

"Where's your friend from?" the guard asked.

"Uh…Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa? In the big Victorian house with blue shutters and a red door?" Genis said innocently.

"Uh, okay," the guard said, staring as they left.

Lloyd and Genis went through the Iselia Forest, which had more cliffs than trees. They reached an empty spot, where Noishe got spooked by absolutely nothing whatsoever.

"What's your problem, Noishe? You're such a pussy!" Lloyd yelled as his 'dog' ran away.

They continued through the forest, where tabby cats, worms, and mutant flowers attacked them. Then they got to the Desian ranch, Genis said, "Here's my stop."

"What the hell? I thought you were going to Iowa!" Lloyd said, confused.

"I lied."

"Going to the ranch violates some treaty that I can't recall the name of!"

"Non-aggression treaty, Lloyd," Genis said. "And the Desians already attacked the temple! It's okay for us to go to their ranch!"

"Genis, I think your logic is flawed," Lloyd said. "Anyway, I'm going to go with you."

"Why?"

"Because the Desians might have Cool Ranch Doritos!"

"…Right."

They ran up to the ranch and went to the side, where an old woman stood staring into space.

"Hi, Marble!" Genis said.

"Genis! Is this your friend?" Marble asked, pointing to Lloyd.

"Do you have any Cool Ranch Doritos?" Lloyd asked.

"No, I'm sorry. They took all my Doritos when they locked me in here," Marble said sadly.

"Those bastards!" Lloyd said, punching his fist into his palm. "I'll make them pay for this injustice!"

"Marble, there was an oracle, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! I'm just going to paraphrase what we just went through about fifteen minutes ago!" Genis said. Lloyd began to look at people's hands.

"Hey, is that an Exsphere?" he asked.

"That's, like, the second time you've noticed a rock on someone's hand," Genis said. "Do you have a hand fetish or something?"

"It's not that weird!" Lloyd said defensively. "There's lots of chat rooms for it! Don't judge me!"

"Is this an Exsphere?" Marble asked curiously. "They stapled it to my hand shortly after I came here. It so incredibly painful, I prayed for sweet, merciful death."

"Well, Grams, you might get your wish," Lloyd told her. "Because wearing an Exsphere with no Key Crest means you're more susceptible to swine flu. Have you been to Mexico lately?"

"I went down there in '96 to rob a bank with the Refreshments." She randomly began singing. "Give your ID card to the border guard, yeah, your alias says you're Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the United Federation of Planets, 'cause he won't speak English anywaaay!"

"Wow, these authors are really into song lyrics," Genis whispered. "They must really need lives."

Suddenly, Genis was killed by a magical flying unicorn named Tupac.

"Hey, you!" A random Desian approached where Marble stood singing. "Don't butcher that amazing '90s song with your old, human voice! Just for that, we're going to take you in the back and whip you!"

"Bye, Marble, best of luck with that," Lloyd said, dragging Genis, who was magically still alive, and running away.

"Lloyd, we have to help her!" Genis cried. "Think of something!"

"I DON'T THINK, GENIS!" Lloyd said. "Okay, here we go. You, go up on that cliff and distract them by singing a show tune. I'll jump down and run around in circles so they chase me, leaving you free to run away."

"What the hell kind of plan is that?!"

"You told me to think!"

Genis sighed. "Fine, I guess we don't have time to think of anything else."

Thus, the world's most useless plan was carried out. Genis began phase one.

"If you want my gravy," he began singing. "Pepper my Ragu, spice it up for Mama, she'll get hot for you!"

Lloyd jumped down and ran in circles. The Desians, in an effort to get away from Genis' show tune, ran out of the ranch screaming.

"Hey!" one shouted, spying Lloyd. "You're stepping on our grass! Conrad the Gardener worked very hard on that!"

"It looks like ass!" Lloyd said, spitting on the grass. Conrad began to cry.

Suddenly, Genis randomly tripped. Very loudly. And, in a moment of complete airheadedness, he said, "Ouch…"

"Did that bush just speak?" a Desian asked.

"No, it was just a prepubescent little girl!" another one said.

"I'M A BOY!" Genis screamed, going once again into a fit of rage. This time, he picked up Queen Latifah and beat the Desians to death with her.

As he did this, Lloyd jacked his weapons and ran off in the opposite direction with them.

"AHAHAHAHA! Now, maybe you'll get killed by these Desians and I'll never have to see your ugly face again!" Genis didn't notice anything until long after Lloyd was gone, when the only Desians he hadn't killed with Queen Latifah were Forcystus, Conrad, and one lonely, unimportant Desian named Justin, who had been sitting underneath an apple tree at the time, sketching birds and dreaming of the day he would become a famous artist and make his parents proud.

"That was random," Lloyd told the authors. Tupac appeared threateningly above him. "Not that that's a bad thing!" he added nervously. Tupac left, and the authors abruptly ended this chapter.


	5. The Unanswered Question

**Siren: We revised this because our buddy doesn't want his name posted all over cyperspace.**

**Muse: And because managed to completely screw up the format.**

**Siren: Disclaimer time!**

**(poof) Regal: Wha?**

**Siren: ARGH! I hate you! Pedo! (beats with laptop)**

**Regal: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS. (screams in pain)**

**Siren: Die, freak!**

* * *

Last chapter, Lloyd was heading home after having stolen Genis' equipment.

"Hey, authors," Lloyd yelled to the sky, "why do you always summarize the last chapter at the beginning of the next one?"

The authors did not answer.

Lloyd walked up to his house. "Hi, Dad! Can you make me a Key Crest?"

"Why?" Dirk asked suspiciously. "Who needs a Key Crest?"

"Uh… there was this gay, two hundred pound, six and a half foot Mexican kid name Twitchy I met today. I just thought he might like to _not_ get swine flu."

"Baloney. DWARVEN VOW #11: MEXICANS AREN'T NAMED TWITCHY!"

"…Who came up with that Dwarven Vow again?" Lloyd asked.

"Candy the stripper," Dirk said angrily. "Just ask her herself!" He pointed to the wall.

"Um…Dad, have you been in my stash recently?"

"Candy says to shut up! Who is the Key Crest really for?"

"I met someone at the ranch today," Lloyd admitted.

"YOU WENT TO THE RANCH?!" Dirk yelled as the camera flipped to the outside of the house.

"Why did it suddenly get dark outside?" Lloyd asked. "Did your sentence seriously take _that_ long to say?"

Dirk went on a rant about something, which Lloyd ignored because he was still confused about Candy, the non-existent stripper, and why the sun had managed to set in less than three seconds. To shut his father up, Lloyd pointed and yelled, "Look! Candy just died!"

"What?" Dirk asked, staring at the wall. "NO!!!!!! CANDY!" Dirk punched Lloyd in the face. "YOU KILLED CANDY, YOU BASTARD!!!" He dropped to his knees and began to search the floor frantically. "Her ID…Oh my god! Someone call NCIS! She's a naval officer!" As Lloyd slowly backed out of the house, Dirk began to sing. "We've only just beguuun…To liiiiiiiiive…white lace and promiiises…a kiss for luck and theiiiiiiiir oooooooon theiiiiiiir waaaaaaaaaay…"

"Isn't that a wedding song?" Lloyd asked, confused. He backed up out of the house and into Kratos, who stabbed him with his sword.

"You suck, Lloyd."

Lloyd turned around. Colette, Genis, Raine, and Kratos were all standing there.

"Lloyd, I came to pass on a message. Pedro-you remember him, right?-says that if he doesn't get his money by the end of the week, he's going to break your spine right down the center," Colette said.

"That's pretty gruesome. Did you really need to bring everyone else who's relevant to the storyline with you?" Lloyd asked.

"Kratos wants to stare at your dead mother's grave, Raine is going to stand by the exit of the house, and Genis has to wander around dumbly."

"Oh." Lloyd glanced around. "Well, go about your business, then."

The group did as Colette described above, while Lloyd and his blonde friend went up on the terrace to tango and sing songs from 'RENT'.

"Is there a particular reason we're tangoing and singing songs from 'RENT'?" Lloyd asked. "Don't you want to do something else?"

"Well, I certainly don't want to talk about my journey tomorrow," Colette answered.

"That reminds me, I'm going with you. My mother was murdered by Desians, angst, angst, angst…" Lloyd went on explaining his angsty reasons for wanting to kill the Desians and go on the regeneration journey. Colette tuned him out by trying to get a good look at Kratos' ass from above. She pouted when she was unable to get the right angle.

"Hey, wait," she said suddenly. "How did you know your mother was killed by Desians? The authors skipped that part with Dirk."

"Oh, the voices told me." Lloyd massaged his temples. "They really need to stop arguing. One is a Colloyd fan, one is a Shelloyd fan, one's a Zelloyd fan, and one is envisioning Kratos and Yuan stripping to 'Sexyback'."

"I WANT INSIDE YOUR HEAD!" Colette screamed. "Anyway, we leave at noon tomorrow. Don't show up at, like, nine or any ridiculous time like that."

Raine and Genis spontaneously came from inside the house. "Hey, Lloyd, why is Dirk crying and calling for Leroy Jethro Gibbs?"

"Probably for the same reason the authors ripped off song lyrics, overused lines from South Park, and Twitchy, the gay Mexican." Lloyd shrugged. "We don't know."

Colette shrugged, and the group left. "Okay," Lloyd said, going into his room. "Time to make that necklace." He stopped when he spotted a Playboy under his bed. "Almost time to make that necklace," he corrected himself.

**THE NEXT MORNING…**

"It's all done!" Lloyd said, holding up the necklace, which looked like a four-year-old had glued elbow noodles onto a chunk of drywall and attached it to a piece of blue yarn.

Lloyd went downstairs and came upon Dirk sitting in front of Anna's grave.

"Here's the damned Key Crest," Dirk said, handing him the Key Crest.

"Sweet! Why'd you change your mind?" Lloyd asked.

"DWARVEN VOW #2: BECAUSE I CAN."

"Listen, about those Dwarven Vows…I don't really think they apply to everything in life…" Lloyd tried to explain.

Suddenly, Genis appeared out of nowhere. "Lloyd! Why are you still here?!"

"Aaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!" Dirk screamed, going into a horrible frenzy upon seeing the boy. "YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!!!" He pulled a machine gun out of his back pocket and began firing it at Genis in a rampage. As Lloyd and Genis dodged the bullets and ran off with Noishe, Lloyd yelled back, "Bye, Dad!"

"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!" Dirk screamed back. "Bye, son!" He shot at Genis a couple more times.

"Lloyd!" Genis yelled. "Colette left already!"

"What?!" he shouted back. "She told me noon!"

They ran to the town and up to Colette's house.

"Hello, Lloyd," Phaidra said, glaring at Genis.

"Is it true that Colette already left?" Lloyd asked, alarmed.

"No, it was all a horrible lie that Genis told you."

"I knew it!" Lloyd stabbed Genis.

Phaidra laughed cruelly. "That was a lie. I just wanted you to stab him."

"So Colette's really gone?"

"Of course. She told me to give you this letter."

_Dear Lloyd,_

_By the time you read this, I will have already posted that video on Youtube. You know, the one where you got drunk? Well, you may not remember that night, but the hidden camera does. And there's nothing you can do about it. Anyway, I lied to you because YOU SUCK. Did you get that, Lloyd? YOU SUCK. Not as much as Genis, but enough that I don't want you here. By the way, I'd like you to have all the drugs, booze, and gay porn hidden under the floorboards in my room. Do what you want with all the gay porn; give it to Genis for all I care. Yeah, do that. He'd like that._

_Farewell, Colette._

"This sounds suspiciously like a will," Lloyd said. "Are you sure it's a letter and not a will?"

"It's a will. There's something we've hidden from the entire village." Phaidra took a ragged breath. "YOUR FATHER ISN'T FRANK! HE'S AN ANGEL, LLOYD!"

"Huh?" Lloyd said dumbly.

Phaidra glanced at the script. "Whoops. Wrong page. Here we go…"

Suddenly, there was a loud explosion, followed by maniacal laughter.

"What's that?!" Lloyd yelled. "Is it a leprechaun?!"

"Let's charge out the door to certain death!" Genis cried.

They dashed outside and saw…

"Gasp!" Lloyd said.

"Gasp!" Genis said.

"It's HIM!" Lloyd screamed.

And indeed it was. Who is HE, you ask? You shall never know.

HE was laughing maniacally and splashing gasoline all over the town. He then lit a match and dropped it, running away.

"YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME, CAPTAIN PLANET!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" HE screamed at the top of his lungs.

Lloyd and Genis ran to the entrance of town. HE was gone, but there were Desians standing there.

"Lloyd Irving! Come forth!" a Desian yelled.

Lloyd came forth, like the dumbass he is. Cute, but a dumbass.

Forcystus came forward and went into a long, boring introduction about himself, which Lloyd ignored by staring at his arm/gun-thing.

"Genis," he whispered. "What would you call that thing on his arm?"

"I'm not sure," Genis answered.

"Lloyd Irving! You, a human, have been found guilty of UPSETTING CONRAD THE GARDENER!" Forcystus yelled. As an afterthought, he added, "Oh, yeah, and let's not forget that you violated the non-aggression treaty by killing everyone with Queen Latifah."

The mayor stood in front of Lloyd, giving him a verbal ass-kicking. "What have you done? Haven't you been told enough times not to go to the ranch?"

Lloyd stared dumbly at him for a moment, before finally twitching a little bit and blurting it out. "Okay, let's get this straight. Is that thing on your head your hair, or is it a hat? Because I really can't figure it out. I mean, it blends in with the rest of your hair, but I've never seen such a gay hairstyle, ever. What the hell is it?"

Suddenly, a giant green globular monster thing that was, for some unknown reason, wearing a dress appeared out of nowhere and threw the Mayor halfway across town. The crowd cheered.

A battle against the strange green monster ensued. Genis failed at helping Lloyd in any way, so he died a grand total of about six seconds into the battle. Lloyd picked up his body and tossed it at the monster as a distraction.

"That's it, go fetch the loser, good girl," he told it as the monster came back with Genis in its mouth, panting and jumping around. Then he stabbed it.

"YOU HAVE AN EXSPHERE!!!" Forcystus cried. "I want it!"

"I want a yacht and a racehorse. Guess we both lose," Lloyd told him.

The big green monster thing grabbed onto Forcystus' neck just in time to blow up.

"Genis…Lloyd…run away…get the Doritos…Genis…you were like a granddaughter to me…goodbye…"

"GODDAMMIT!" Genis screamed. He picked up a glowing stone that fell away from the exploding monster.

"Ew, don't pick that up, who knows where its been," Lloyd said, making a face.

As the Desians ran off, Forcystus said, "Lloyd, wherever you go, I will follow you. I want that Exsphere. And Conrad will follow you, too, to avenge his grass." A Desian dropped to the ground next to him and whispered something into his ear. "Whoops. As it turns out, Conrad ran off to join art school with Justin. So I guess he won't be following you. It'll just be me."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Genis screamed into the sky as the Desians fled.

"Calm down, dude!" Lloyd yelled, slapping him. "It's not _that_ dramatic!"

"Lloyd, you're responsible for destroying our village," the Mayor yelled, coming back.

"Listen, you should really do something about those raging fires behind you," Lloyd advised him. "Because, otherwise, there won't be a village, just charred sticks."

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Fine. Not my house that's on fire, so what do I care?" Lloyd shrugged. "I'm outta here."

He dragged Genis away by the hair, while the Mayor yelled after him. "Good! Because you're banished!"

"Mayor," a woman who sounded suspiciosly like Raine said, "he's just a retarded kid."

"Do you know how many people died because of him?" another guy, who sounded a lot like badly-disguised Lloyd said.

"Man, Namco really needs to get some more voice actors," Genis said as he and Lloyd left the village.

"Shut up, Genis. The next chapter is all about you and me traveling through a desert, so guess who gets abused?!" Lloyd cackled madly as Genis cried about his upcoming abuse.

Join us next week, when we come to the exciting conclusion of 'Everybody Hates Genis!' and introduce out new sitcom, 'Fangirls Love Kratos!' Save tuned!


	6. Tommy Tutone and Enotut Ymmot

**Siren: More randomness!**

**Muse: Can I pick someone to do the disclaimer for this chapter?**

**Siren: Go ahead, Muse.**

**(poof) Sheena: Wha? Why am I here?**

**Muse: Because...(drools)**

**Sheena: Are you staring at my boobs?! Perv!**

**Siren: Disclaimer, Sheena!**

**Sheena: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS, its characters, or anything else mentioned in this fic. (slaps Muse) Stop that!**

**Muse: (drools)**

**Siren: Review, please!!**

* * *

When we last left our 'heroes' (and the authors use that term loosely) Lloyd and Genis were traveling through the Triet Desert. Genis was crawling in the sand behind Lloyd, who was walking in front of him, holding out a bottle of water inches away from his grasp.

"Come on, boy, you gotta beg for it. Come on," Lloyd taunted. "You know you want it." Genis collapsed from dehydration. Lloyd shrugged and chugged the water. "Man, it's hot here. Any idea why, Genis?"

Genis didn't answer, as he was too busy having his eyes pecked out by vultures. "I didn't think you'd have much of an opinion," Lloyd said, grabbing his arm and dragging his friend, vultures and all, to the city up ahead. Once there, they saw that there were four Desians hanging around.

"We're looking for this dude," one said, pointing to a wanted poster with a picture of a bald man with three eyes, a beanie cap, a spork growing out of his chin, and six distinct piercings.

"That's the guy you're looking for?" another Desian asked doubtfully.

"Yep! His name's Lloyd Irving."

"Is that seriously what he looks like?"

"Up-of corpse!" a third Desian said, slurring. "I draweded it mahself." He stumbled towards the inn, put the poster up, and collapsed, muttering for the bartender to bring him another drink.

"We need to hurry up and find Colette!" Genis shrieked, tears of terror running down his face.

"AH! CREEPER!" Lloyd beat Genis unconscious with a bag of cashews.

"Why a bag of cashews?!" Genis screamed as he fell to the ground.

After reviving Genis, sleeping for a while, buying supplies, and making a drug deal with 'The Dark Knight', a man in a black cape who insisted that he was not selling pot, but rather, he was selling 'justice leaves', the two boys went up to a Colette-shaped hole.

"Check it out, dudes!" a random dude said. "This is the shape of the Chosen of Reg-"

"Genis! Look! Cookies!" Lloyd squealed, chasing after an imaginary cookie vender named Jordan.

"What the hell?" Genis ran after Lloyd, yelling, "I told you to get off the pot!"

The intense chase of Jordan ended when she ran into the bushes, proclaiming, "I'll be back!"

"No! I can't let her get away!" He grabbed Genis. "She's my mortal enemy!"

"Hey, why don't we just…go into the fortune teller's tent?" he answered, gently leading Lloyd into said tent.

"Welcome to the House…OF FORTUNE!" the fortune teller said dramatically as they entered. "What would you like me to…DIVINE FOR YOU?!"

"Uh…can you tell us where Colette-er, the Chosen is?" Lloyd asked.

"Of…COURSE!" The fortune teller rubbed her temples and made strange moans and groans. Lloyd and Genis gave each other worried looks.

"You owe me…MONEY!" she said finally, taking their money.

"Okay, so where is she?" Lloyd asked impatiently.

"I am having…A VISION!"

"Listen, you're gonna have to stop that," Lloyd said.

"I can…SEE HER!" the fortune teller said, ignoring Lloyd's words. "She is headed for…THE CITY THAT IS SAID TO HAVE BEEN DESTROYED WHEN EFREET WENT OUT OF CONTROL!"

"Really?" Genis asked excitedly.

"The Chosen's companion…THE HOT RED-HEADED MAN SAID SO!"

"Listen, just between you and me," Lloyd said, "Am I hotter?"

"No, you are…NOT!"

"Hey," Genis said suddenly. "You're a fake! You cheated us out of our money!"

Genis tried to kill her, but the best he could do was to smack her with the dumb ball-in-a-cup thing he calls a weapon. She laughed at him. He cried.

"Lloyd, kill her for me!" he whined. Lloyd sighed.

"Fine, but you're not getting any cookies." He stabbed the fortune teller repeatedly while Genis stole all her money. They then proceeded to leave, because burglary/homicide is a felony. They had just reached the exit to town when there came a shout.

"NO, _I_ WANT THE POLKA DOTTED ANAL PROBE!"

"What the hell?" Lloyd and Genis turned around just in time for Lloyd to be zapped with purple electricity.

As he fell to the ground, two Desians/Renegades approached them. Genis then started doing what he does best: crying like a baby with a wet diaper.

The Renegades/Desians brought Lloyd and Genis to the base in the middle of the desert. Once there, Genis cried, sobbed, bawled, yowled, whimpered, wailed, bemoaned, wept, lamented, sniveled, boohooed, blubbered, and shed tears.

"Oh, my god, shut up!" one of the Desians/Renegades shouted at him. "We'll let you go, just shut the hell up!"

"Are you sure that's okay?" the other asked.

"Of course," he replied. "What can a tiny little girl do?"

"THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THE AUTHORS RIPPING ON MY GENDER!" Genis pulled a Guns 'n' Roses CD out of his pocket and proceeded to maim, incapacitate, torture, kill, and hide the bodies of the Desians/Renegades with it.

"Whine!" Noishe called out to Genis.

"Noishe!" Genis shouted. "Good boy, let's go save Lloyd together!"

"Whiiiine," Noishe answered.

MEANWHILE, IN THE RENEGADE BASE…

Lloyd woke up just as the guards outside his cell began to tell bad puns from Laffy Taffy wrappers.

"Okay, okay, here's another one," said one guard, holding back giggles. "Why did the man take a hammer to his bed?"

"Why?"

"Because he wanted to hit the sack!"

Both guards laughed uproariously as Lloyd groaned. "God, that was bad. Hey, authors?" he called up to the heavens. "Is it all right if I kill these guys?"

There was no answer, so Lloyd took that as a yes. "Feel the power of my Sorcerer's Ri-"

Suddenly, the three random British kids from chapter two?-no, sorry, chapter three- busted down the wall behind the guards.

"Did you just say the-?"

"NO! GET BACK TO YOUR OVERRATED MOVIES AND BOOKS!" Lloyd screamed. The random kids moped away as the guards stared at them in utter confusion.

"As I was saying, feel the power of my Sorcerer's Ring!" Lloyd shot a tiny fireball at them, which…did nothing at all. The guards laughed hysterically.

"Oh, look out for the wittle fiwaball. It might buwn us."

Lloyd was just about to shoot at them again when Adam Sandler busted through the same wall as the British kids and beat their faces in with a Pepsi can.

"Whoa! Awesome!" Lloyd jumped up and down as the comedian/actor unlocked his cell. "Where did you come from?"

Adam laughed. "Why, I'm just a figment of your imagination, Lloyd. You shouldn't have smoked all that pot."

"So…can I leave?"

Adam laughed as he disintegrated into nothingness. Lloyd shook his head. "Hoo. I need some Advil and a cup of coffee."

On that note, Lloyd got his equipment and walked down a hall, straight into a Desian/Renegade who appeared out of nowhere.

"Who the hell are you?!"

"Uh…"Lloyd looked around shiftily. "I'm…Diego?"

"OOH!" the guard squealed. "Aren't you Dora's cousin?"

"Sure, let's go with that."

"My daughter loves Dora. Could you get me her number?"

Lloyd said the first number he could think of. "903-5768."

"Awesome!" While the guard was writing down the number, Lloyd snuck past him and into the next room.

Two more guards walked in from another door. "SHIT! We lost the kid in red!"

"We're so fucked! Our boss has that huge sword-thing…"

"And he can shoot purple lighting out of his hand…"

As the guards babbled on about their boss, Lloyd hid. The guards searched for him, and did a very poor job of it, as all Lloyd did to hide himself was put on a fake mustache.

"Hey, you, mustachioed man!" one called. "Have you seen a kid around who looks just like you without a mustache?"

"I haven't seen anyone," he said in a falsetto voice. "I'll keep my eyes peeled."

"I'm sorry, whenever anyone says that, I always think of stabbing someone's eye with a potato peeler."

"I'd get some therapy if I were you," Lloyd said in his falsetto voice.

"Good advice," the other said. "Okay, let's go through this door here."

"It's such a pain in the ass to open the door by punching in the phone number 867-5309, shouting 'Wilson', and feeding a Baby Ruth to Sloth." The guard glanced over at Lloyd. "Hey, Mr. Mustache, did you hear any of that?"

"Of course not. Deaf as a pomegranate. Can't hear a word you're saying."

"Well, that's good." The guards opened the door and left.

Lloyd walked over and unlocked the door. After doing so, he found himself in…another room.

"Jesus, how many rooms does this place have?" He looked over and saw a Gamecube in the middle of a hole in the floor. "What the hell? What's this piece of shit?! Super Nintendo was soooooooo much better!"

While the Gamecube cried, Lloyd began to try to figure out how to open the door.

"Let's see. A delicate piece of equipment…I'll probably have to be very careful." He then proceeded to smash the control panel. He stabbed it, Demon Fang'd it, slashed it, and finally managed to open the door.

"I am amazing," he said to himself. As he walked through the hallway, he saw more guards.

"Uh…uh…THIS LOOKS LIKE A SAFE PLACE TO HIDE!" He dashed into a random room. Inside, he saw…

"GASP!" Lloyd gasped.

What is in the room? Why is Lloyd so freaked out by it? Is Britney Spears secretly a man? Weren't there supposed to be Kratos fangirls in this chapter? Did the authors lie to you? Check out next week's exciting chapter, where we reveal the answers to these questions…and more.


	7. A Little Less Genis Abuse

**Siren: (smacks head, mumbling to herself)**

**Muse: She's trying to find a way to incorporate a Twilight joke in here.**

**Siren: I WILL FIND A WAY!**

**Muse: Gotcha. So, on with the story. Disclaimer: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS. If we did, Regal and Genis would've been eaten by a bear, the sequel would be way better, and you would actually _see_ Anna's face.**

**Siren: I HAVE IT! Quick, Muse, who's your least favorite Desian?**

**Muse: Uh...Magnius?**

**Siren: Really? I'd have pegged you for a Rodyle guy. Anyway, I have a Twilight joke!**

**Muse: Please review.**

_

* * *

_

_Last time, on Tales of Satirical Losers…_

"GASP!" Lloyd gasped.

Horrified screams came from inside the room. There were sights that would haunt Lloyd's memory forever and plague him with nightmares. Burned into his brain was the terrifying imagery of experiencing something you simply want to forget. Awful feelings arouse in his heart; depression overcame him like an icy wave of- You know what? I'm done now.

Inside the room, there was a stage, with bright, colorful lights shining down. In front of said stage were Colette and a random dark-haired girl, both of whom were laughing and yelling, "Take it off!" and shoving money into the underwear of Yuan and Kratos. Who were both on the stage, stripping to the song, 'Sexyback'. Against their will.

"What the hell?!" Lloyd screamed. Then he ran towards a bucket that was randomly sitting there and vomited.

"DANCE, PUPPETS!" The random girl yelled sadistically. "DANCE!"

Suddenly, there was the sound of a record scratching. A voice from above called out.

"SIREN! Does this _look_ like a self-insert to you?!"

"_You're_ Siren?!" Kratos yelled, still being forced to strip. "You're the author?!"

"One of them!" the voice corrected. "Siren, get back up here!"

Grumbling, Siren vanished in a puff of smoke. "Bye!" Colette yelled. "Let's do this again sometime!"

Yuan and Kratos began gathering their clothing and re-dressing while Lloyd stopped vomiting and Colette grudgingly left to bring in Genis and Raine.

"Ah, haha, listen," Yuan said awkwardly, scratching his head. "Lloyd, Kratos…how about we never speak about this again?"

"I will never make eye contact with you guys again," Lloyd mumbled.

"Let's pretend this never happened," Yuan said. "How about you just fight my toadie and we'll get on with the story."

Kratos was crouching in terror, nervously glancing up at the sky, waiting for Siren's next horror. "…Please."

Colette, Genis, and Raine all came into the room just as Yuan left and Botta entered.

The fight against Botta ensued. Genis tried to cast fireball, but he missed and hit Lloyd instead, who was engulfed in the fire. In an effort to put the fire out, Colette ran up with what she thought was a glass of water, but turned out to be vodka. The pair immediately burst into flames, while Genis cried over his bad aim.

Kratos sighed and kicked everyone's asses. Everyone's. Lloyd, Genis, Botta, Colette, Raine, the random Renegades, Nate the Creeper, Candy, Jordan, Justin, Conrad, Dirk, the Mayor, Yuan, Mithos-

"I'M STILL ON FIRE!" Lloyd screamed.

Kratos sighed and stomped on Lloyd until the flames were gone. "Let's go," he muttered, dragging his group out.

Once they were outside and magically healed, Raine held up Botta's weapon. "Hey, is this ugly-ass thing an Exsphere?"

"Yeah," Kratos answered.

"How do they work?"

"You're the bitchy teacher, you figure it out!"

"…Thanks, Kratos. I appreciate the help."

Once back in Triet, they decided to go to the inn, where Raine began to ooze hearts from the top of her head.

"Can I use an Exsphere, too?" she asked excitedly.

"Well-" Lloyd began.

"That would be difficult," Kratos cut in. "Exspheres without a Key Crest are known to cause swine flu."

"Is there a Key Crest in here?" Raine asked, dumping out a bag of random shit onto the bed.

"A crown…a rock…a bloody knife…six shrunken heads…what's this?" Lloyd asked, picking up a brown package. Raine snatched it away.

"It's just a memento of one of my ex boyfriends," Raine said, hiding the package behind her back. "He cheated on me, so I may have…cut off a certain part of his body…"

Lloyd and Kratos both took a step back. A BIG step back. Kratos pointed to a glowing red thing.

"That's a Key Crest. But it's messed up. Would you mind putting that knife away?"

"Professor, I'll fix it!" Lloyd said triumphantly.

"Thank you!" Raine said as she packed up the rest of her things, much to the relief of everyone else in the room.

Later that night, after Lloyd had finished the Key Crest, he headed for Raine's room. However, he got sidetracked by voices in Colette's room. He cracked the door and peeked inside.

"Who's a pretty dolly?" Colette was at the mirror, applying lipstick all over her face. "That's right, you're a pretty dolly, and everyone loves you…good dolly, pretty dolly..."

Lloyd snuck away from her room, thoroughly freaked out, and proceeded to Raine and Genis' room.

"Hi, Professor, I fixed your Key Crest!" Lloyd stopped. "Uh…what are you doing?"

"Oh, just…stuff," she said, hastily hiding a bag of crack and wiping her nose off.

"…Okay. Whatever." He wondered over to Genis. "Let's see…what to do, what to do…oh, I know!"

He pulled an M-80 out of his pocket and tangled it in Genis' hair. "Ha!" he said triumphantly. "Let's see what happens at the Seal of Fire tomorrow!" He gave an evil laugh, then ran out of the room.

"Hey," he asked, seeing Kratos leaving. "Where's he going?" Lloyd paused to think about it. "Oh, I see. Kratos is secretly taking night bartending classes to pay for his porn habit, which started because when he worked as a male escort, that's all his roommate had to read." He smacked his forehead. "Duh! Why didn't I see it before?" He followed Kratos out.

Outside, instead of seeing fabulous bartending tricks being done by Kratos, Lloyd saw the older man talking to Noishe. He snuck up behind him.

"Stabby rip stab stab!" Kratos yelled, stabbing, ripping, and stabbing Lloyd. "Oh, it's you. Sorry 'bout that."

"Um, listen, my spleen is on the end of your sword…can I have it back?"

"No. I'm going to bronze it and put in on my mantle, next to your baby shoes."

"Why do you have my baby shoes bronzed and on your mantle?"

"Uh…" Kratos looked around shiftily for a distraction. "Oh, look! Noishe wants to say hello!"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about him." Lloyd stood next to Kratos. "Say, do you like animals?"

"No," Kratos answered. "As a child, I lit bunnies on fire, though."

"Oh. That's creepy. Noishe seems to like you, though."

"I had a pet once, long ago," Kratos said randomly. "He looked suspiciously like Noishe, was the same species, and had the same name. I lost him at the same time I lost my son, who looks suspiciously like you and has the same name." He glanced over to see that Lloyd had fallen asleep. "Hey, dumbass, wake up!" he said, stabbing Lloyd again.

"Huh?!" Lloyd looked around wildly. "Why are you staring at me?"

"You suck at life," Kratos said, walking away.

"Gotcha…" Lloyd rubbed his eyes. "Man, I hate that dude. I hope there isn't a huge plot twist where I turn out to be his son or anything like that." He glanced around. "Hey, are the authors gonna end this chapter soon? I'm tired."

Yes. Yes, they are.


	8. What Sound Does 'Kt' make?

**Siren: Good afternoon, people!**

**(Cricket chriping)**

**Siren: That's cliche. And I live in a city. There are no crickets here.**

**(Tire squeal and police sirens)**

**Siren: That's better. Anyway, Muse is on vacation. At Cedar Point. Lucky bastard gets to ride roller coasters. So, disclaimer!**

**(poof) Presea: What?**

**Siren: (squeal) You are my favorite girl character in ToS.**

**Presea: Uh...great?**

**Siren: Say the disclaimer!**

**Presea: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS.**

**Siren: Review!**

* * *

The next morning, Lloyd awoke to find no one around. Panicking, he ran outside.

Kratos, Raine, Genis, and Colette were just leaving the city when Lloyd ran up to them.

"Hey, where are you guys going?"

The entire party glanced around shiftily. "Uh, to buy a Weird Al CD?" Genis suggested.

Lloyd frowned. "Without me? But I love Weird Al!"

Colette interjected. "But, um, we were buying it for you as an Easter present!"

"It's AUGUST, Colette."

"Which we didn't realize until we were halfway there," Raine said quickly. "So here we are, heading for the inn to wake you up!"

Lloyd rolled his eyes. "I may be borderline retarded, but I'm not _that_ dumb. I don't buy that story for a minute. Kratos, what really happened?"

Kratos shrugged. "I'm not going to lie to you. We were ditching you when you conveniently woke up and found us leaving."

Lloyd began to cry. Kratos kicked him in the crotch. "THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!"

With that random scene over, the group continued through the desert. It was an incredible adventure filled with danger, romance, and drama. Lloyd revealed that he slept with his twin brother's girlfriend's roommate's twin sister; Kratos fell into a coma after rescuing seventeen orphaned children and their blind bus driver from a burning school bus; Genis finally came out of the closet by buying a gay pride T-shirt and meeting a horny nineteen year old on a bondage website; and Colette tried to kill herself when she learned who Lloyd had slept with, because she was Lloyd's twin brother's girlfriend's roommate's twin sister's wanna-be emo lesbian lover.

However, no one really cares about 'Tales of Days of Our Lives', so we'll skip ahead to the Fire Seal.

At the entrance to the Seal, Lloyd groaned. "Man, it's hot."

Kratos slapped him. "Dumbass. It's a seal of fire. In the middle of a desert. What did you think it would be?"

"A chicken wing," Lloyd answered. Kratos stared at him before sighing and turning away.

"Noishe just appeared out of nowhere. And ran away again," Raine said.

"There are enemies about. They are going to attack…" Kratos checked a random watch. "…NOW!"

Lloyd snorted. "Yeah, Kratos, because you can predict the fut-AHHHHHH!"  
A random floating ball of fire rock swooped down at Lloyd, lighting him on fire once again. Kratos pointed and laughed cruelly, then pulled out a marshmallow on a stick to roast over Lloyd. Raine cast first aid at Lloyd, which successfully wasted eight TP. Genis, determined not to screw up again, screwed up again by casting fireball. Colette was taken out of the group because…well, we can only have four people, and battles are more fun with Genis abuse in them.

Once Lloyd had ceased being a fantastic heat source for the group, he and Kratos kicked the rocks' asses. Or, rather, bottom hemispheres.

"We did it!" Genis cried. Lloyd and Kratos both stabbed him.

"YOU DID NOTHING!" Kratos roared. He cleared his throat. "Oh, and by the way, you guys suck so bad, I'm going to teach you how to produce a green ball of awesomeness. You guys need to learn to protect yourselves, because I am NOT saving your asses every time we fight someone." He somehow taught them a technique by making a pop-up speech bubble appear out of thin air.

"Uh…okay!" Lloyd yelled, swaying back and forth. "I feel stronger!"

"Hey, is this the seal? It has my family's crest on it," Colette said.

Everyone crowded around, checking the seal. It depicted a horseshoe, a whip, a tooth, and a monkey, all surrounding a bra.

"Oh! Look!" Raine squealed. "Rocks! On the ground!"

"That's…great, Professor," Colette said with fake interest.

Under the mistaken assumption that Colette actually cared, Raine continued. "Just feel the smooth texture! It's polycarbonate!"

"Isn't that just plastic?" Kratos questioned.

Raine ignored him. "Yes, it IS amazingly sexy!"

"Sexy?" everyone asked in confusion.

She wondered over to the stone pedestal. "Hmm, it says 'oracle stone'…"

"Oh, thanks," Kratos said. "Because, you know, without you here, we'd never be able read such a big word."

"Or-ora-orayclee stuhoonee." Lloyd grinned proudly. "I did it!"

"Put your hand here, Colette." Raine pointed.

Colette did as she was told. A random slab of rock revealed a staircase. Colette grinned. "Wow! I guess I really am the Chosen!"

"Why the hell would you think you weren't?" Genis asked. Before Colette could explain, Lloyd pointed to the staircase.

"Alright, let's move! I'm getting excited already!"

"The way you say that, it sounds like you've got a hot girl in your bed," Kratos said, rolling his eyes.

Lloyd's mind then did a remarkable thing. It thunk. From that sentence, he somehow said, "He's almost seventy." Here's how:

_**Hot girl = Taylor Swift.**_

_**Taylor Swift = Country music.**_

_**Country music = Achy Breaky Heart**_

_**Achy Breaky Heart = Billy Ray Cyrus**_

_**Billy Ray Cyrus = Miley Cyrus**_

_**Miley Cyrus = Hannah Montana**_

_**Hannah Montana = I hate her guts**_

_**I hate her guts = Chuck Norris should kill her**_

_**Chuck Norris should kill her = Chuck Norris is almost seventy.**_

However, no one else could hear his inner thoughts, so what they heard was:

"The way you say that, it sounds like you've got a hot girl in your bed," Kratos said, rolling his eyes.

"He's almost seventy," Lloyd said, staring into space.

After a brief awkward silence, everyone decided it would be a good idea to go inside the Seal. They went through it, solved a bunch of fairly easy riddles, and reached an altar room. Where the altar erupted.

"What the fuck?!" Genis screamed, running for the nearest corner. Kratos dragged him back.

"ROAR!" the Ktugach roared.

"We're gonna kill you, uh, Ku-no, wait, Ta-? Kratos, how do you pronounce that name?"

Kratos shrugged. "I dunno."

Lloyd turned back towards the Ktugach. "Fine. Your name is now Edmundo Leimberger. Got that?"

The Ktugach roared again and attacked. Genis was trying to cast icicle when a spurt of fire hit his hair. There was a loud 'pop' and suddenly, Genis' head was engulfed in flames.

"Sweet!" Lloyd cheered. "That M-80 worked!"

Colette started to throw her Frisbees at the Ktugach, but was distracted by a piece of tinfoil that was thrown through the air. "Ooh, pretty…"

Kratos sighed and ran towards the Ktugach, planning to kick its ass, but Lloyd shoved him aside.

"My turn to kill it!" he whined. Kratos shoved him back.

"No. You will screw it up."

The two swordsmen then proceeded to get into a shove-fight, which ended with Lloyd being speared on the end of Kratos' sword. Again.

Grumbling, Kratos beat the Ktugach. "Blame your fate."

Lloyd shoved him. "What if I don't wanna blame my fate, huh? What if I wanna blame _you_ for all of my problems?"

"Shut up, Lloyd."

Suddenly, steam appeared from nowhere and hovered around them. A voice called down.

"Chosen One, offer your prayers at the altar."

Colette, who was still busy staring at the tinfoil, was booted forward by Kratos.

"Huh?" She looked around, confused as to how she'd gotten there.

"Pray to the Goddess!" Kratos hissed.

"Oh, right!" she exclaimed, smacking her head. "I forgot that I'm supposed to be saving the world." She kneeled by the altar.

"Oh, Goddess Martel, we all love you, and shit!"

After a few seconds of silence, the voice spoke again. "Close enough."

Remiel descended from the heavens, in his normal sleazeball fashion.

"Colette, my daughter, you have done well, my daughter, in reaching thus far, my daughter."

"Yeah, you're not overcompensating at all, are you?" Kratos mumbled to himself.

"You say something?" Lloyd asked him.

"Nope. Silent as a Milky Way."

"The first Seal has blah, blah, blah, blah," Remiel blahed on in his obnoxious voice of obnoxiousness.

Colette's eyes continually wondered over to where the ball of tinfoil was still lying. She was thinking of all the fun things she could do with it: stare at it, talk to it, braid its hair, go on an internet chat room and trick perverted old guys with it…

"We of Cruxis grant you the power of the angels!"

A tone-deaf chorus of angels began to vocalize as Colette spontaneously sprouted wings.

"Oh, cool!" Lloyd squealed. "TINFOIL!"

He leapt of the ball of shiny metal at the same time Colette did.

"MY SHINY!" she screamed as the two teens fought over it.

"Uh, I await you at the next seal, my daughter, Colette," Remiel said, leaving again.

Suddenly, Lloyd realized something. "Colette has wings!"

Everyone stared at him in awe of his idiocy, except for Colette, who was now stroking the tinfoil.

"There, there," she whispered. "You friend is here. That's right, I'm your only friend, and no one else can take you away…I love you, Shiny."

"Um…let's just go," Kratos said.

The group left the fire seal, but when they reached the exit, Colette collapsed. They continued on until they got halfway to Triet, when they realized they'd forgotten a main plot point. So they went back. Colette was lying on the ground, vomiting and twitching.

Raine sighed. "Well, I guess I better heal her."

Kratos yawned. "I'll set up camp so that we can stare into a fire for a while. Yeah, that seems like a good idea."

So, while Raine was healing Colette, Kratos was trying, and failing, to set up a tent, Genis was crying about a splinter, and Lloyd was trying to figure out how to chase his own tail, this chapter ended.


	9. Missing Nipples & A Bad Weight Guess

**Siren: Welcome back to another exciting episode of 'Fictional Character Abuse!'**

**Muse: (whispers in Siren's ear)**

**Siren: What? This is 'Tales of Satirical Losers'? Same difference.**

**Muse: Anyway, in this chapter, we have decided to add someone else to the list of abused.**

**Siren: Don't worry, oh loyal fans. We're still going to beat Genis and Lloyd.**

**Muse: Disclaimer: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS or any of its characters. We do not own fire, David's BBQ Sunflower Seeds, or conveniently placed trees in the desert.**

**Siren: You know what? We've only got two steady reviewers. Honestly, guys, if you're going to fav a fic, AT LEAST send us a review. It doesn't have to say anything.**

**Muse: It can just say, 'hi.'**

**Siren: It doesn't even have to be a whole word. We just like seeing the little review box in our email. So, you know, review, please!**

* * *

We re-join our heroes as they are hanging out around a fire. Kratos was staring into the fire, thinking about how best to be antisocial next week. Colette was lighting herself on fire, thinking that water would be nice. Genis was straightening his hair. Raine was digging in the sand, looking for something. And Lloyd was bugging the shit out of all of them, starting with Genis.

"Hey, Lloyd, what did you think of the tofu curry?" Genis asked his friend.

"Well," Lloyd said, "It was terrible. In fact, I vomited over in the bushes by your sleeping bag right after eating it. Because of it, I hope you die a horrible death involving peanuts and Spongebob."

Lloyd, satisfied that soon Genis would be in tears at his insults, turned to Raine.

"Hey, Profess…or." He stared at Raine, who was whispering to a rock.

"What do you want, Lloyd?" she snapped.

"Uh…nothing." He turned to Kratos. "Hi, Kratos."

"Your Exsphere is a strange color," Kratos said.

"Why the hell would you bring that up?" Lloyd asked. "That's the most random thing you've ever said."

"No reason. Just making small talk with you. So, feel like telling me all about your dead parents?" Kratos asked nonchalantly.

"Not really. No offense, but you're kind of a creeper."

"No offense taken," Kratos said.

"Really? Cause, you know, I lied. I really did mean to offend you."

While Kratos went back to staring into space, Lloyd bounced over to Colette. "Hi, Colette!"

"Hi, Lloyd!" Colette said as she finished stopping, dropping, and rolling.

"Oh, yeah, I know your birthday was, like, a week ago, but here you go!" Lloyd handed her a string and a broken piece of plaster.

"What the hell? Lloyd, it's BROKEN. Why would you give me a broken necklace?"

"Oh, dammit. Why do I break everything?!" Lloyd wailed. " Your necklace, my swords, those nuns' skulls…" He sighed. "I'll just have to make you a new one."

Suddenly, Colette let out a hacking cough, spewing phlegm all over Lloyd's shirt. No one noticed.

"Uh…cough, cough?" Colette said.

"DON'T PUSH HER OR YOU SHALL DIE!" Raine roared.

"Yeah, Lloyd," Genis said accusingly. "She's delicate, unlike you."

"Well, sorry I'm not a teenage blonde girl, Genis. What do you want me to do, skip merrily to a meadow and pick flowers to put in your hair? I'm a DUDE. We're not supposed to be delicate." Lloyd pointed at Kratos. "I mean, seriously. Kratos is a deep, brooding, tough guy, and just look at his fanbase! Do you know how many fangirls he has? Huh?"

Lloyd turned around. "Colette?"

"Oh, she went for a walk while you were making fun of Genis," Raine informed him.

Over about ten feet away, where everyone could clearly hear her, Colette started to talk to herself. "What's happening to me?"

"Is that pimple back again?" Lloyd yelled out. "Cause, you know, they do sell acne cream at Triet."

**_THE NEXT MORNING…_**

The group headed through the desert to Triet.

"Man, I'm beat," Genis said. "Let's go to the inn."

"Genis, you're going to trip," Raine said, sounding bored.

"I will not!" he yelled. He then ran a few more feet, ran in place for ten seconds, and tripped. Lloyd and Kratos laughed cruelly while Raine ran up to him.

"Whoa!" Genis yelled. "I did not know I was going to trip!"

"You brat! I told you so!" Raine slapped him.

"It's just a scratch! I'm not even bleeding!"

"The sands of Triet are very fine! It could get infected!"

"WHO THE HELL CARES?!" Genis screamed.

"It is likely her love for her brother causes her to act like this," Kratos said.

"No shit!" Lloyd said. A pop up box proclaimed Raine was now 'Sisterly Love'.

"Ew!" Colette cried. "Incest!"

After that little conversation, the group stocked up on gels, bottles, and, of course, pot. They slept for a little at the inn and went on their merry way to the Ossa Trail.

"God…dammit," Lloyd panted. "It's so…hot. Hey, Kratos?" He turned to Kratos, who was kicking an unconscious Genis across the ground. "Uh, what happened to Genis?"

"He collapsed," Kratos said, shrugging. "What is it?"

"Can we, you know, rest for a few seconds?"

"No, you can't. Soon, we'll be out of the desert…"

Everyone cheered.

"…and hiking up a huge mountain!"

"DAMMIT!" Lloyd yelled. "I'm sick of walking! Can't we go buy a car or something?"

Suddenly, there was a loud, thunderous noise. Everyone looked around in confusion to see a cloud of sand heading for them.

"What is that?" Genis asked in awe, somehow not unconscious.

"Is it a sand storm?" Kratos asked.

"A stampede?" Colette suggested.

"DAVID'S BBQ SUNFLOWER SEEDS?!" Lloyd yelled, lighting another joint.

"No, I think its…" Raine stared ahead as the sand cloud began to let loose a humming sound. She gasped. "Oh no! Run, everyone! RABID FANGIRL ATTACK!"

A large group of fangirls ran towards the group, arguing about-you guessed it-Kratos. The group hid quickly behind a group of conveniently placed trees. In the desert. They listened to the fangirls' argument.

"No, bitch, he's mine!"

"Slut!"

"_I_ bore his child!"

"Hey, is that my mom?" Lloyd asked, looking out from behind his tree. Kratos quickly cut the tree down on Lloyd's head.

"Nope, no dead mother here."

They remained hidden in the group of trees. Unfortunately for them, though, fangirls can smell hot guys.

"Wait!" one fangirl stopped the large group of others and sniffed the air. "I smell…"

The others followed suit. Their eyes grew wide as they realized who it was.

"KRATOS!!" They screamed and grabbed Kratos from behind his hiding place of the tree. As they dragged him into the shadows, Kratos' voice was heard.

"No, get off. I said get off! No, don't touch that! I do not bend that way! That doesn't belong-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"

As the sound of ripping cloth was heard, and Kratos' screams of agony died out, a random belt was thrown from the shadows. Lloyd bowed his head in respect as Colette cried into Genis' shoulder. The group continued on, figuring that sooner or later Kratos would come back. Suddenly…

"Stop!"

"Who is it? You aren't a hot, ninja assassin from a parallel world that was created by a madman femboy with a giant glowing purple sword bent on bringing his dead sister back to life, are you?!" Lloyd asked.

"Um…maybe."

"Are you made of chocolate?!" Colette asked.

A hot, ninja assassin jumped out of nowhere. She was not made of chocolate. "Is the Chosen of Mana among you?"

Lloyd, who was distracted by the ninja's lack of a sports bra, answered. "Uh…you're not going to, say, use sexual torture techniques on the Chosen, are you? Because, if you are, I'd be willing to sacrifice myself-"

"Lloyd, shut it!" Raine hissed, smacking his head.

"I'm over here, sexy ninja assassin lady!! A flat-chested, ditzy, blonde target!" Colette yelled, waving her arms wildly.

"Prep-"

"YOU FUCKERS!" Kratos crashed through random bushes and came face to face with the group. Half his clothes had been ripped off, he had claw marks all over his torso, and he was bleeding profusely from where his right nipple would normally be. "You left me to fend for myself against those fangirls?! Do you know what they DID to me?!"

"Gave you chocolate?!" Colette screeched.

"NO THEY DID NOT GIVE ME CHOCOLATE!!!"

"Um, Kratos?" Lloyd asked. "What happened to your nipple?"

"They _bit_ _it_ _off_!"

"Hey! I'm trying to assassinate someone over here!" Sheena waved.

"OH! Ms. Hot Ninja Assassin!" Lloyd yelled, forgetting about Kratos and his missing nipple.

"Prepare to die, Chosen One!"

"I'm in severe pain over here!" Kratos screamed.

Sheena ran at Colette, ignoring Kratos. Colette tripped over nothing, which lit the match, which heated the tea pot, which produced steam, which made the pinwheel spin, which knocked over the dominoes, which ended up knocking over the knife, which cut the rope, which made the bowling ball fall on Colette's head, which knocked her unconscious, which made her fall over onto a lever, which sent Sheena down the hole.

"What a bunch of confusing assholes we have for authors," Kratos said.

A random wheelchair spontaneously fell out of the sky and landed on his head.

"Well, let's move on," Raine said, sighing as she healed the two members of her group who weren't conscious anymore.

"Hey, you think that lady's still alive?" Lloyd asked, staring into the hole.

"Well," Genis said, walking over, "Assuming her weight to 45 kg-"

"Were we not looking at the same boobs, Genis? 45 kg is 99 pounds. That's probably just in her _bra_," Lloyd said.

"Anyway, yeah, she's probably still alive."

The group continued up the mountain, battling Frankenstein's flowers, random dudes who liked to wander around aimlessly attacking people, and bitchy kitties. They then went back down the other side of the mountain, where they saw a huge wooden thing that fell down, revealing the end of this chapter.


	10. This Is A Chapter!

**Siren: (munch)**

**Muse: Welcome back!**

**Siren: (crunch)**

**Muse: Siren, stop eating your cheesey popcorn. We're trying to do an introduction here.**

**Siren: (sprunch)**

**Muse: Sprunch?**

**Siren: (gulp) Yeah, because cheesey popcorn is so amazing, it deserves a whole new adjective. Sprunchy!**

**Muse: Got it. Disclaimer!**

**(poof) Lloyd: Didn't you already have me here in another fic?**

**Muse: Eh, probably.**

**Lloyd: Kay. Disclaimer: Sirens & Muses don't own Tales of Symphonia.**

**Siren: But we do own sprunchy!**

**Lloyd: Sprunchy?**

**Muse: Sprunchy.**

**Siren: Review, please! And make it sprunchy!**

* * *

When we last left off, our heroes were about to be attacked by a crazy sexy ninja woman who'd just knocked down a...big wooden thingy.

"Wait!" Ninja Girl yelled.

"Oh, thank goodness, you're okay!" Colette said.

"You do know I'm trying to kill you, right? Or are you just retarded?" Ninja Girl said, rushing to attack them.

The battle against Ninja Girl ensued. Genis ran up to her, smacked her with his ball-in-a-cup, and was immediately stabbed to death with a piece of paper. Raine attempted to heal him, but ended up being too late and healing her brother's dead body, so she just shrugged and pulled a book out of thin air. Lloyd eagerly rushed up to Ninja Girl, 'accidently' tripped, and found himself squished against her chest, which resulted in him getting stabbed. And Kratos ended it by just being there. Ninja Girl fell to the ground.

"You picked the wrong guy to mess with!" Lloyd shouted, still bleeding on the ground. Kratos kicked him.

"I'll get you next time!" Ninja Girl swore as she disappeared into smoke.

"Why are there people trying to kill us?!" Genis shrieked. "Why is it like this in EVERY GAME PLOT?!"

"Because everyone hates you, Genis. That's why," Kratos said as they continued on.

"Those clothes," Raine mumbled.

"Yeah, I wish she hadn't been wearing them, either," Lloyd said, drooling. Kratos kicked him again.

"I cannot believe my son is a horny perv."

"I cannot believe you procreated," Lloyd said. Kratos sighed.

"Never mind. Let's hurry up and get to Izoold."

The group proceeded to Izoold.

"God, did you really have to say that?" Lloyd said to the sky. "I mean, talk about pointless…"

Kratos shoved him into the water and the others walked away. They went into a house to talk to Lyla, because as the omniscient main characters, they always know who to speak to about advancing the plot.

"Oh, Aifreed," she was saying tearfully, "How can I quell these feeling I have?"

"Buy a vibrator," Genis suggested. "It did wonders for me."

After an awkward silence, a few fake coughs, and Kratos mumbling something about having to go to a dentist appointment, everyone decided to go outside, where they tried to make some progress in the Journey of Regeneration.

"Hey, random boat guy," Lloyd said to Max, "Feel like taking us to Palmacosta?"

"Oh, Lyla," Max whined. "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!"

"Because you're a whiny, pathetic, annoying, unattractive fisherman who smells like a public toilet," Kratos told him. "Now, answer our question."

"No, I won't help you. First of all, I don't help people who hurt my feelings. Secondly, it's dangerous out there. There's…pirates and sea…monsters," Max finished lamely.

"Hey, fuck you," Kratos said, kicking him in the crotch and walking away.

"Hey, why don't we talk to that fat guy over there?" Colette suggested. So they did.

"I got a ride on a boat from Aifreed. But he went far, far away, back to Luin, so my telling you this doesn't help you at all," Fat Guy said.

"Well, that was incredibly useless information that we needed to hear," Raine said. "I wonder how we can use it to our advantage?"

"Hey, Lyla, did you hear your boyfriend hates you and ran away to Luin with his best friend's fifteen year old daughter?" Lloyd yelled into her. Lyla cried and went over to Max's boat.

"That worked," Raine said as they followed Lyla.

"Take this letter to Aifreed!" She screamed, beating him with a quilting magazine.

"NO! I love you too much!"

Lyla spotted our heroes and a lightbulb appeared. "Hey, do me a favor, random people I don't know. Take this letter to Aifreed."

"What do we look like, mailmen?" Lloyd shouted. Kratos slapped him.

"Will doing this get us across the ocean?" Kratos asked. Lyla nodded. "Fine, we can lie to you."

"Cool!" Having gotten everything worked out, our heroes left on Max's boat. It was boring, so for entertainment, Lloyd and Kratos took turns fishing, using Genis as bait.

"CATCH FISH, YOU BASTARD CHILD!" Kratos yelled into the water.

"MUMAMUMMMEUMPHM!" Genis yelled back.

They finally got off at Palmacosta, and after about two and half minutes in town, Colette had already tripped, breaking something.

"Whoa, first time tripping on a new continent. Congrats, Colette," Lloyd said, giving her a thumbs up.

"Ack! The Palma Potion!" a woman shrieked.

"Hey, lady, that was a very valuable potion!" a dude yelled at Colette.

"I'll buy you a replacement potion," Colette said.

"Do you think that will be enough to APPEASE MY ANGER?!" random dude said.

"Whoa, douchebag alert," Lloyd said.

"How dare you! Do you know who we are?!"

"A group of douchebags?" Lloyd suggested.

"Don't start a fight," another random person in a sky blue outfit said. "I wanna get out of here. This place smells like socks that you find behind the couch after seven years."

"I'm telling you, if it weren't for the storyline, I wouldn't buy this replacement potion," Lloyd grumbled as they skipped off merrily to spend unnecessary money to advance the plot.

The group entered the item shop, where a bunch of Desians were trying to cheat a woman and her daughter out of crap.

"There's no way anyone'd sell those for that cheap!" a girl said.

"God, just give us the fucking gels, bitch. Why are you arguing with a bunch of people who carry whips around? Really? How dumb are you?" a Desian said.

"Really, really dumb!"

"Chocolat, stop!" the girl's mother said. "I told you, you're not dumb, just...special."

"CHOCOLATE?!" Colette screamed, looking around frantically for the nonexistent chocolate. "DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE CHOCOLATE?!" she screamed at the Desians. They shook their heads. Colette ripped their arms off and started a violent, chocolate-fueled rampage.

"Genis! Get the pot-laced cookies!" Lloyd yelled. Genis tossed said treats/drugs to Colette, who grabbed them and curled up in the corner nibbling on them.

"Um, back to the real world now," Lloyd said. "We need some Palma Potion."

They got the Palma Potion, gave it to the random douchebags, and continued onto find out where the fuck to go next.

"Where the fuck do we go next?" Lloyd asked, as they came upon a conversation taking place between a little boy, a little girl, and a creepy blonde man.

"Governor General Dorr! My dad was taken away to the ranch, and now I'm starving in the streets!" the little boy whined.

"I'll save him," the blonde man promised.

"Don't worry. My mother died of an illness," the little girl was saying.

"What does that have to do with anything at all? I kind of need food. It's been a month since I've eaten anything but a rotten banana peel." The little boy suddenly fainted from hunger.

"Well, this has been a lovely walk, Kilia. Let's go home." They left.

"Who was that?" Lloyd asked. "And do you think he sells pot? I used all mine to make those cookies, and I think I'm coming down..."

"That's Governor General Dorr. He's awesome," a random villager said. "After losing his wife to an illness, he-"

"Yeah, listen, did I ask you?"

"Well, if you're going to be a dick about it…"

"We're leaving now." The group left abruptly and entered a large building that looked important.

"Greetings, travelers! We welcome travelers, as per the teachings of our fake Goddess!" Governor General Dorr said.

"Has anyone ever told you that you look suspiciously like a bearded lady?" Lloyd asked.

"Yes, many a time. Are you on a pilgrimage for the fake Goddess Martel?"

"No, I'm much cooler. I'm the Chosen," Colette said.

"LIES! ALL LIES!" Dorr screamed.

"What?" Lloyd asked stupidly.

"The Chosen was just here moments ago! You bastards are lying!"

"Fabulous. We're going to be arrested for trying to save the world," Kratos said, rolling his eyes. "You wanna trip over nothing again to see if that saves us?"

"Sure!" Colette chirped. She then proceeded to trip over nothing and save them.

"OHMYGOD! IHAVETOTELLMYSLUTBOSSLADY! ILOVEFOXESPIZZA! Uh, I mean, look, Father! Pretty pink wings!" Kilia yelled.

"Please forgive our insolence, Chosen One!" Neil said.

"Who the hell are you?" Genis asked.

"And why the hell would we forgive your insolence?" Kratos asked.

"And what does 'insolence' mean? And 'forgive'?" Lloyd asked.

"Well, this is bad," Dorrsaid. "This means those guys we gave the Book of Regeneration to were either imposters or cosplayers."

"What's a book?" Lloyd asked.

"The Book of Regeneration is pretty much a how-to for saving the world," Neil said.

"Listen, you're gonna have to stop it with the butting in on conversations like that," Lloyd said. "It's kinda creepy."

"Wow, that book seems like it'd make this journey a hell of a lot easier. I mean, really? You just handed it over to some random person?" Raine said. "You guys suck at running a town. No wonder this place is polluted, filled with illegal immigrants, and has hideously repetitive music."

"It sounds like fairies!" Colette said obliviously.

"Well, I guess we have no choice but to wander around aimlessly for the rest of the game," Kratos said.

They wandered around aimlessly into a school to pursue a releatively pointless sidequest.

"Hey, Genis," Lloyd said. "Have you ever shoved a beer mug up your nose?"

"No, but I did get a recommendation to this school," Genis said.

"Why didn't you come here?" Lloyd asked.

"Because…Kratos, are you creeping around in the corner of the screen again?"

Kratos looked around shiftily from his spot in the corner. "…No."

"Whatever."

"A child this small was recommended for the elite Palmacosta Academy? No way!" Student A cried.

"Student A?" Lloyd asked. "Wow, you don't even have anything close to resembling a name."

"Yeah, it took me six tries to get in," Student B said.

"Do you even go to this school?" Student A asked.

"Of course I do. I didn't do anything ridiculous, like murder a student, steal their uniform and ID, and take over their life just so that I could get in, don't be silly," Student B said, laughing nervously as his eye twitched.

"Well, _I _certainly didn't murder anyone and steal their identity because I got bored," Kratos said, still creeping around in at the bottom of the screen. "Hey, how about we have a competition because I need a distraction?"

"Sounds good!" Genis said.

"Then lets study," Raine said. "We'll need an empty classroom."

Once in the empty classroom, they started the review questions.

"'Question One'," Lloyd read aloud. "'What is the square root of negative seventy-four?' Hmm…let's see. 'Kratos…has…a…boner."

"I do not!" Kratos hissed.

"'Question Two,'" he said, ignoring Kratos. "'What happens if you give a mouse a cookie?' …'Kratos'…penis…is…pierced.'"

"…Have you been watching me shower?" Kratos asked.

"No. No, I haven't, Kratos, that was meant as a joke. Kind of creepy, though, now that I think about it." Lloyd shrugged and went back to his paper. "'Question Three: Don't you wanna come with me? Don't you wanna feel my bones?'" Lloyd thought for a moment before finally writing down, "'Kratos…watches…gay…porn.'"

"I will punch you, Lloyd."

And thus, the Ultimate Battle of Smarticalness between Genis and…Student A, whose name is either Mighty or Tiny. Can't recall which. And, of course, because this is a great chance to mock Lloyd, the entire group took the test.

"The scores are as follow," an old guy shouted. "In last place, big shocker, Lloyd with…negative infinity."

"How's that work?" Lloyd asked.

"Well, you didn't actually do anything. In fact, you asked to go to the bathroom, left, and came back three hours later with freshly made pepper bacon. All that's on your paper is a grease stain," the old guy clarified.

"Oh." Lloyd took another bite of bacon.

"Next, Blondie-sorry, Colette, with…210. Then Raine with 400. Genis and Mighty both had 398."

"Hang on, doesn't Kratos get a score?" Lloyd asked.

"Yes. His score is 'Super Ultra Mega Sexy.' Happy?"

"Not really," he grumbled. "Let's get outta here, my brain is starting to swell."

As the group walked through Palmacosta, Genis asked, "Hey, isn't there an end to that sidequest? I mean, don't I get a title or something?"

"Not in this parody," Kratos muttered.

"Then what was the point of doing it?"

"Well," Kratos said. "First off, the authors got to quickly finish another chapter of this so they can update it. Also, we got a recipe."

"For what?"

"An omelet."

"You mean to tell me we had an inteligence competition just so that we could have a magical creeper teach us how to flip scrambled egg over various fillings?"

"Yeah, Genis, you got something to say about it?" Kratos stabbed him. "Didn't think so."

So concludes another chapter of "Teenage Losers Try To Write A Video Game Parody!" Thanks for watching! Bye!


	11. Sheena Fujimoogugimeowspindoctorsbayashi

**Siren: Hello, wonderful fans!**

**Muse: We know you're out there.**** We can hear you breathing.**

**Siren: Hey, guess what? We have a new poll up. Depending on who wins this one, one of us is going to have to drink a half a cup of...banana pepper ring juice.**

**Muse: So gross.**

**Siren: And, to further this, we're going to put it on Youtube! Isn't that exciting! Anyway, you have to answer the poll. So, choose. Minnesota or fried chicken?**

**Muse: Sirens & Muses own nothing from ToS, blah, blah.**

**Siren: Review, blah, blah.**

**Muse: Blah.**

**Siren: (kicks in head) Don't violate those orphans or insult my mother!**

* * *

We rejoin our epic heroes as they…um…what exactly are they doing again?

"You're holding it upside down, jackass!" Lloyd yelled, yanking the map out of Kratos' hands.

"Bullshit, Lloyd," Kratos said, snatching it back. "Go left over this bridge-"

"No, left is east, we wanna go north!" Lloyd said.

"We would want to go north if _someone_ hadn't thought they saw a sign that said 'Free Pot'. But, no, you just had to run away, so now, we're not sure which direction we're even facing!" Kratos grumbled.

"Moose always grow on the north side of trees, right?" Lloyd said, trying to read the map. "Let's just find some moose."

"It's moss, genius. MOSS." Kratos slapped him.

"Oh, look, a conveniently placed church!" Colette chirped.

The group of lost idiots-I mean, heroes…no, wait, I really do mean idiots-trooped inside the church. Inside was…

"OHMYGOD, HOT NINJA ASSASSIN LADY!!" Lloyd yelled. "I'm Lloyd, and to answer your question, yes, I am available!"

"The name's Sheena. Sheena Fujibayashi!" Ninja Lady yelled back.

"You know, it's so much easier if we just call you D-Cups," Kratos said. "Can you even pronounce your last name?"

"That doesn't matter! I will kill you next time," Sheena cried, disappearing in a puff of smoke.  
"Well, let's all gasp and move on," Raine said, bored.

After said gasps and moving on, the team found themselves…lost again.

"How the hell are we over here?" Kratos asked, scratching his head.

"I told you, we have to go north!" Lloyd yelled. "Look, let's just find some moose-"

"For the last time, MOSS! Dumbass."

"Oh, for the love of boysenberry jam," Raine mumbled, picking up a cinderblock that was there for some reason and smashing it over both of the swordsmen's heads. "Colette, help me carry Kratos. Genis, you grab Lloyd."

However in the hell Genis managed to carry Lloyd by himself, the authors don't know, but one thing is for sure. This journey to Hakonesia Peak? Yeah, it's pointless.

"WHAT DO YOU _MEAN_ WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO PALMACOSTA?!" Lloyd screamed. "We just spent a good four hours trying to find this place! In the process, we found a Desian ranch, a guidepost, three skits, a treasure chest, and Thoda Geyser Boat Dock! No way in hell am I leaving here empty handed." He marched into Koton's house.

The rest of the group waited calmly outside through some muffled conversation, banging, screaming, maniacal laughter, and silence. After a few minutes, Lloyd emerged, holding the Book of Regeneration and with a few bloodstains on his shirt.

"Okay," he said cheerfully, "We should probably hurry up and get out of here before the cops come."

Skipping ahead to Palmacosta…

"Oh my god!" Raine screamed.

"Oh my god!" Kratos screamed.

"Oh my god!" Genis screamed.

"Scabby taco!" Lloyd screamed.

"…Huh?!" Colette screamed.

"They're going to kill Cocao, Chocolat's mother!" Raine shouted, pointing.

"Because that's not an obvious play on words!" Kratos shouted. "We must save her!"

"Teen Titans, go!" Lloyd yelled. Kratos slapped him.

"Get your lines straight!"

Meanwhile, Magnius appeared out of nowhere and decided to walk threateningly across the town square.

"It's Magnius!" some random person yelled.

"VERMIN!" Magnius retorted oh-so-smartly. And then killed that person.

"Mom, don't die! No one will understand the pun if you die!" Chocolat cried, running up.

"Vermin, maniacal laughter!" Magnius said/laughed. Suddenly some little kid who has more backbone than anyone in the entire Chosen's group chucked a rock at Magnius, which really must've pissed him off. "Vermin!"

"Is that all he says?" Kratos whispered to Raine. She shrugged.

"Stop right there!" Lloyd yelled, demon-fanging Magnius' crotch before he could reach the tiny child.

"Grunt, vermin?" Magnius questioned.

"Lloyd, stop!" Raine shouted. "Do you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? I mean, really, blah, blah."

"Whatever she said!" Lloyd yelled, leaping into battle.

"I'll save you, Cocao!" Colette said, tossing her circular weapon and cutting the rope.

"Ow, my face!" Cocao cried, falling flat on her face. Still, not dead.

"Insert pompous child prodigy magician line here!" Genis yelled, deflecting a fireball.

"Insert sexy badass comment done in sexy badass voice here!" Kratos yelled, slashing Magnius.

"I totally just give up," Raine grumbled. "No one is listening to me. My mother said, 'Marry rich and become a doctor, Raine, and everyone will listen to you.' But, no, I had to date losers with commitment issues and become a small town teacher." Still grumbling, she joined the fight.

After Magnius disappeared, the group proceeded with the random not-really-a-boss-battle fight. Colette ran up, tripped, and was trampled by the trio of Desian cronies. Genis cast icicle, and DID NOT SCREW IT UP. Amazing. However, for shits and giggles, Kratos killed him anyway. Then he continued to kick ass. Lloyd started to just fling his sword around wildly, pretty much taking care of everyone else who was still alive.

"You picked the wrong guy to mess with!" Lloyd yelled at their dead corpses.

"Thank you," Cocao said.

"Whoa!" Lloyd said. "How the fuck did we get back in your house?"

"I don't know what I'd have done if they'd killed my mom, too," Chocolat said tearfully.

"Yeah, listen," Kratos said. "Don't expand on that story. We really don't care."

"First, they killed my daddy. Then, they kidnapped my grandma!"

"Weren't you paying attention?"

"What's your grandma's name?" Genis asked.

"I can't tell you," she replied. "It would destroy a main plot point."

"We just did that about twenty minutes ago anyway," Lloyd pointed out. "I killed Koton and stole the Regeneration Book back."

"We're leaving," Kratos said, dragging Lloyd out the door.

The group once again went to Hakonesia Peak and, once again, was told to go somewhere else to save Chocolat from the Desians.

"That's it," Lloyd said as the group tried to find the human ranch. "I am sick of this fucking continent. I feel like a ping pong ball."

"I feel like a turtle," Colette said, smiling. "And those flowers taste like rainbows and heartburn!"

"And also, I need some pot. I'm crashing, and I'm bitchy when I crash." Lloyd said, ignoring her.

At the human ranch, the group discovered Neil. Remember him? Convo Creeper?

"Listen, why don't you people just ignore that whole 'Chocolat's been kidnapped' thing?" he suggested.

"It's a trap, isn't it?" Raine asked boredly. "I mean, really? It's more obvious than Kratos being Lloyd's father."

"That's silly, Professor," Lloyd snorted. "I'm not a royal fuckstick. I can't be Kratos' kid."

"So, yeah, let's go kill Dorr," Kratos said, leading the group out onto the world map scene and towards the end of this chapter.

* * *

**Siren: Seriously, did anyone else out there get lost travelling all over that fucking continent? It took me too long to find that goddamned mountain, then I had to go all the fucking way back!**


	12. Hurrah For Bad Parenting!

**Siren: Well, I just don't know what to say.**

**Muse: Uh...hi?**

**Siren: Sure. Hi.**

**Muse: ...**

**Siren: ...**

**Muse: Okay...Disclaimer: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS, so PLEASE DON'T SUE US, NAMCO!**

**Siren: Nice. Hey, if you guys review, I promise to review you back. Please? Review?**

**Muse: Did that work for our last fic?**

**Siren: Actually, yeah. Oh, dammit, I just thought of a great thing to say. It would've been epic. Oh, well. Read on, young man!**

* * *

Our journey continues as the group of 'epic heroes' goes all the way back to Palmacosta to torture, and possibly murder, Dorr in front of his young daughter.

"You know, when you really think about it," Lloyd said, "We're kind of douchebags. I mean, really?"

"Shut up, Lloyd," Kratos said.

Upon entering the government building, Lloyd and the others discovered that no one was there.

"Hey, lets all head downstairs!" Colette said cheerfully.

"Geez, Colette," Lloyd said, rolling his eyes. "Do you think anyone listens to you? You're like Aeris in Final Fantasy VII: pretty much useless, but a good device for furthering the plot."

"Look, dumbass!" Kratos said, dangling a bag of weed. "Follow me and everything is all right!"

"I'll be the one to tuck you in at night!" Colette chirped.

"Come on over…" Kratos coaxed him, leading him to the stairs.

"Down to the corner, my sisters and my brothers!" Colette sang.

"Come downstairs."

"And say hello!"

"Okay, can someone please shut her up?" Kratos shouted.

"I'm so much cooler online!" Colette said. Kratos growled sexily and stabbed her.

"How can you growl sexily?" Lloyd questioned.

"Get your red-clad dumbass down here!" Kratos said, dragging him down the stairs.

The group arrived just in time to hear an explanation bringing them up to speed with what's going on in Dorr's life.

"Why do we always have the good fortune to come into conversations just as they get to the relevant parts?" Lloyd asked. Kratos sighed.

"Lloyd, just…shut up and smoke your pot."

"No, seriously. I really want to know. Is it just because we're the main protagonists or something?"

"When will my wife return to her original form?" Dorr asked a random Desian.

"Well," he replied, "Magnius is a compulsive liar, and he's completely fucking around with you on this one, so I think never is a safe guess."

"So, if I give you more money, she'll get better?"

"Sure, why the hell not?" Then the Desian left. Just like that. Didn't even have to pass Lloyd and co. on his way out.

"Wow," Lloyd said admiringly. "Did that guy just walk off screen to leave the room? I wish I had that power."

"AHH! Creeps!" Dorr screamed, turning around and slapping Lloyd's face.

"Jesus! What the hell, dude?!" Lloyd rubbed his face. "I think you broke my nose."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I saw a ghost."

"Oh, fuck you, man. That was soooo supposed to be _my_ line," Lloyd said angrily. "Now, I'm totally gonna have to kick Genis' ass."

"WHY ME??!!" Genis cried.

"Why are you people here? Where's Neil?" Dorr asked.

"Alzheimer's," Lloyd whispered to Kratos.

"I'm afraid Neil's not here," Raine said coolly, kind of like that real bitchy, unforgiving, disappointed-in-love-and-life, lawyer from Law & Order: SVU. You know the one.

"So…" Dorr said. There was a fifty second pause.

"So…?" Kratos said, waving for him to go on.

"Neil betrayed me!" he finished dramatically.

"How'd you get that from the fact that he's not here?" Lloyd asked. "I mean, for all you really know, we could've just walked in to find no one here, gone downstairs, and found you talking to some guy about your wife. Really, you're just kind of filling in the blanks here. By the way, what's up with your wife? Has she been taken hostage or something? Keep in mind that we really don't give a rat's ass."

"Hostage? Don't make me laugh!" Dorr said.

"Right…because I was just about to crack some jokes here." Lloyd rolled his eyes. "Hey, Kratos, knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Dorr's kidnapped wife."

"Dorr's kidnapped wife who?"

"…Not cool, Kratos, you weren't supposed to continue the joke. That's just a dickish thing to do."

"Then why'd you start it?"

"If you want to see my wife…" Dorr said, allowing for another dramatic pause as he walked _across the goddamned room_. You'd think they would've had him closer or something. I mean, he just looked like a horse's ass by walking across the room to rip off the conveniently placed sheet over the jail cell.

"She's right here!" In the jail cell was Clara, who we all know is a green monster thing.

"Gasp!" Kratos said very OOC-ish.

"Look at Namco's obvious attempt at subtle foreshadowing!" Genis cried.

"She's crying…she's crying out for a burger," Colette said sadly. "Oh, wait, that's pain. Crying out in pain."

"I will now tell you my life story!" Dorr said. The entire party groaned.

"Absurd!" Kilia cried.

"What now?" Lloyd said, as Kilia pulled out a knife. "Kratos! Don't pull your pants down! My experience with chicks with knives tells me NOT TO PULL MY PANTS DOWN!" Kilia stabbed Dorr, making Lloyd relax. "Oh, never mind, its all good."

"I did not want to listen to that bastard blather on and on about his wife, his dead father, the Desians, and how much his life sucks. Because mine doesn't? Look at me, I'm a purple thing with goat horns sticking out the side of my head! Oh, by the way, I'm a villain, so I'll be killing you now."

And so, the battle engaged. Genis was tortured by his sister throughout the entire battle by being speared with her staff, brought back to life, then speared again. Kratos took a few minutes to video tape said torture while Lloyd got his ass handed to him by Kilia.

"Kratos!" he screamed. "Stop screwing around with the video camera and help me!"

After Kratos kicked ass, they watched while Kilia crawled slowly to the cage and released Clara. And I guess nobody thought to stop her. Colette stood in front of Clara. "Stop!" Clara did the same plothole through the wall thing that Desian did before.

"That's all it took?" Lloyd asked. "We could've saved so much time and energy if we had known that just saying 'stop' made monsters go away."

"Is…Kilia…safe?" Dorr asked, hacking up bloody lungs.

"No. No, she's dead. And you totally missed it, Father of the Year. Listen, you wanna give me the passcode for Magnius' ranch?" Lloyd said.

"You're…an asshole…" Dorr coughed up some more tissue.

"Yeah, well, at least I didn't neglect my daughter enough to not notice she was replaced by a demon-goat thing. Good job."

"Ugh…I'm…dying…"

"So, by the time I finish this sentence, you'll probably be dead, right?"

"I hope…you…burn…in the fiery…depths…of Satan's…anus…" Dorr sputtered before dying.

"Sorry, didn't catch that, can you repeat yourself?" Lloyd asked, cupping a hand to his ear. "Oh, wait, you can't, you're dead. Kinda like your daughter."

And so, like Dorr, this chapter has come to its end. Except, we can probably tell when our daughter's really an evil lookalike.


	13. Sparkles Are The New Rainbow

**Siren: Whoa, two updates in less than twelve hours.**

**Muse: We're on a roll. Of course, this is terribly rushed.**

**Siren: Whatever. We've kind of been neglecting this fic.**

**Muse: Disclaimer!**

**(poof) Edward Elric: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS, Twilight, or FMA.**

**Siren: (tackles)**

**Edward: (screams)**

**Siren: Muse! Pin his arms down while I unlock the basement door!**

**Muse: Um...since Siren's a little busy...**

**Edward: Someone, call the police!**

**Siren: Get back here, you sexy midget!**

**Muse: Review please.**

* * *

We rejoin our heroes as they go back to Magnius' ranch. Upon reaching their destination, they see Neil.

"Yo! Neil, we killed Dorr. And Kilia," Lloyd said, striding up.

"Seriously?!" Neil said. "That's kind of extreme. Couldn't you have just, you know, tortured him or something? And why his daughter?! You people are terrible heroes, you know that?"

"Well, someone at Namco thinks we're fine and dandy heroes," Lloyd said.

Meanwhile, someone at Namco was fired because of a casting error.

"So, we're gonna head on inside. By the way, you're coming with us," Kratos said.

"Why?" Neil asked, being bound, gagged, and dragged into the ranch with them.

"Because we need a human shield and a plot device."

The group and Neil went inside the ranch and were immediately attacked by several extremely fast ninja-Desians.

"Holy shit!" Lloyd said, trying to kill a Desian and accidently stabbing himself.

After more random battles, the group stumbled upon a device to change the Sorcerer's Ring. This would make a good opportunity to rip on Harry Potter, but it's been done already. Twice.

"Whoa," Lloyd said, messing around with the Ring. "I knew I shouldn't have smoked all that pot before coming here. Now everything's green. Look, a flying pot plant that speaks with a Russian accent! Come here, little babushka."

"Did he just call that pot plant his grandmother?" Genis asked.

"Moving on," Kratos said, beating Lloyd over the head with a tripod and taking him into the next room. Once there, the group discovered a room filled with jail cells and prisoners, so they figured now would be great time to ditch Neil.

After a long and pointless trap involving transporters, green radar rings, key cards, invisible blocks, Lloyd's non-functioning brain, and about fifty floors, they reached a floor with a cut scene. Wow, the authors managed to take a twenty-minute chunk of the game and condense it into one sentence.

"Lloyd, look!" Genis cried, pointing.

"I hate you, Genis!" Lloyd cried back, throwing him at the guards and freeing Chocolat.

"You came to rescue me!" Chocolat cried, throwing herself into Kratos' unwilling arms.

"Slut!" Colette sneezed.

"Dorr decided to rescue us all, didn't he?" Chocolat asked.

"No. Turns out, he was a complete douchebag, so we murdered him. And his young daughter. But don't worry, she was really an evil goat demon in disguise," Lloyd told her. She blinked.

"Back there is a room full of sparkly things," Chocolat said, pointing.

"SPARKLE!" Lloyd and Colette both took off in the direction of said sparkly objects.

However, once inside the room, they did not find sparkly objects. They happened to find Magnius.

"Tell Kvar he is not invited to the sleepover!" he was shouting into the phone. "I know he's on Team Jacob, and I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT! What? Oh, of course I saw New Moon! I know, Robert Pattinson is SO hot!"

"Robert Pattinson looks like a stoned ferret," Lloyd grumbled. "And Twilight gets way too much hype."

"And every time Forcystus shows up, someone always ends up with his hand down their pants, and it's getting old." Magnius turned around and spotted our heroes. "Holy shit, you're here already? I gotta go. TTFN, BFF, I'll see you tonight, girlfriend." He hung up the phone. "Vermin!"

"Gayest conversation ever," Lloyd snickered.

"You vermin are forsaken!"

"For-saken?" Kratos said.

"Oh, no, some of Lloyd's stupid has leaked into Kratos brain!" Raine cried. "He's now bad at foreshadowing!"

"No, he was always like that," Genis said.

"Magnius, you're the one that's forsaken," Lloyd predictably said.

Suddenly, six Desians came at them from both sides and…stood there.

"Oh, no, we're surrounded by a half a dozen incredibly weak enemies and a gay body-builder with bright red dreadlocks!" Colette said. "Whatever will we do?"

"I know your every move," Magnius said. "I've been watching you."

"That's…a little creepy, I'm not gonna lie," Lloyd said. A screen popped up revealing…

"MY EYES! ARGH!" Lloyd grabbed Genis and threw him at the screen as Robert Pattinson appeared, using bad video editing to make him look like he's running fast.

"How dare you insult Edward Cullen by throwing this tiny girl-child at him!" Magnius yelled. Genis screamed and began to rip his eyes out.

Kratos sighed and pulled Genis off. "Can we hurry up the plot a little? I have to go to the bathroom."

"Don't think about Niagara Falls," Lloyd warned.

"You people killed Marble!" Magnius said.

"What?" Chocolat gasped.

"Yeah, I killed your grandma, suck it up," Lloyd said. "She was eighty going on dead anyway. I gave her a week, tops."

"You killed my grandma?" Chocolat cried. "No! I'm going to be a stubborn, stupid bitch and NOT LET YOU RESCUE ME!!"

"That's cool, we were gonna leave you here anyway," Lloyd said, shrugging.

After Chocolat was taken away and the group kicked someone else's ass, Magnius finally got pissed.

"I will kill you!" he screamed, getting off his amazing floating chair to face them.

The boss battle ensued. Magnius pulled a giant battle axe out of nowhere and started to chop at them. Genis decided to show off and tried to cast a spell, but it failed because God hates him. Colette threw her weapon at Magnius, but it was promptly chucked back at her, mortally injuring her. Nobody cared, however. Lloyd started blindly hacking away at Magnius and succeeded at doing…a whole lot of nothing. Raine sat off to the side, reading a yaoi magazine she found in Magnius' things and muttering something about a broomstick not being able to fit. Finally, Kratos killed him by kicking him in the head.

"How was I defeated by a brain-dead stoner, a femboy, a ditzy blonde, an apathetic bitch, and a pompous douchebag?" he cried.

"Wow, what a long dying monologue. I think it was a little excessive," Lloyd said.

"Well, now that that's over with," Raine said, tossing aside the yaoi and pressing some buttons. "It's time to blow this place up."

"I think that makes perfect sense," Lloyd said.

As the group left, Magnius stumbled over to the communicator. "I must inform Forcystus while I can!"

Rodyle popped up. "I have a problem with you contacting Forcystus. I could explain it in intricate detail, but I have better things to do. Like steal your copy of Twilight and your yaoi collection."

"You bastard!" Magnius cried. Then he died.

Outside, the group ran away from the ranch as the camera changed to show it blowing up. Mario-style. Then the authors ended the chapter. Not-so-Mario-style.


	14. What Happened To Sailor Earth?

**Siren: Oh my God, we're actually updating in the middle of the day.**

**Muse: It's the end of the world as we know it.**

**Siren: So, how about we got snowed in. No joke, we have 38 inches of snow outside our houses for one snowstorm. School's been canceled for, like, a week straight.**

**Muse: Disclaimer!**

**(poof) Cloud Strife: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS, FFVII, or anything else mentioned in this fic.**

**Siren: Now can I?**

**Muse: (sighs) Fine.**

**Siren:Yay! (glomps Cloud)**

**Cloud: Ah! Get her off me!**

**Siren: I love you! Review, please! (drags Cloud away)  
**

* * *

We rejoin our heroes right after a scene reminiscent of the Mario castle-blow up scene. They then decided to head up to the Thoda Geyser.

"What do you mean, we have to _pay_?" Lloyd said angrily. "We're trying to save the world, and you guys are going to charge us?"

"Hey, the economy's pretty tight," the girl at the desk said. "It's not like we can just print more gald."

"Fine," Lloyd grumbled, shelling out the money.

Out on the dock, the group realizes that the boats are actually washtubs with the word 'boat' scribbled on the side with crayon.

"Well, this goes against several safety regulations," Lloyd said.

"THE WATER! IT BURNS!" Raine screamed.

"Suck it up, bitch," Colette said.

After chasing Raine down and knocking her out with an oar, they all managed to fit into one washtub. Don't ask how it works, it's the same in every RPG ever made.

"I'm on a boat. I'm on a boat. Everybody look at me, cause I'm sailing on a boat," Lloyd sang.

"We're not on a boat," Genis reminded him. Lloyd chucked him overboard.

"I'm on a washtub. I'm on a washtub. Everybody look at me, cause I'm sailing on a washtub." Lloyd pointed at Kratos. "Sing the T-Pain part, Kratos!"

"No."

"Come on," Lloyd whined. "All you have to say is 'Shawty' and a couple of random swearwords."

"Lloyd, do I look black?" Kratos asked.

"Well, now that you mention it," Lloyd said, squinting, "Yeah, I can kind of imagine it."

"You know what's weird? I don't think I've seen a black person in this entire game," Colette said as Kratos stabbed Lloyd repeatedly for imagining him as T-Pain. "I think Namco's racist."

"Everyone's a little bit racist," Genis said, somehow still on the boat despite being thrown overboard. "Alright!"

"Alright!" Colette said.

"Alright!" Lloyd said.

"Alright!" Genis repeated. "Bigotry has never been exclusively white."

"If we all could just admit, that we are racist a little bit," Colette sang.

"The internet is for porn!" Lloyd sang.

"Wrong song, dumbass," Kratos said, shoving him overboard. Then, for good measure and a laugh, he shoved Genis over again.

They reached Thoda Island just in time to prevent more bad singing. Once there, they marveled at the geyser, did some typical bad Namco foreshadowing, this time by Colette, and skipped over a side quest that would've been important in any other scenario of the game.

"Look, an oracle stone!" Raine cried. "Colette's obvious foreshadowing was correct!"

They went inside the…mountain? Cliff? Whatever. Seal of Water. As they went up, the only person in the crowd to notice that a bunch of rocks had fallen down, revealing an entrance and mystical bridge to said entrance just so happened to be everyone's favorite large-chested assassin, Sheena!

As the ninja assassin ran for the bridge, Noishe blocked the way. Sheena was unable to pass, despite the fact that Noishe is about as terrifying as a perfume bottle.

"Grr! I'll get you next time, my pretty," she said. "And your little dog, too!"

Inside the seal, Kratos stopped and stared into space, while everyone except Lloyd moved on.

"What's wrong, Kratos?" he asked. "Are your Spidey Senses tingling?"

"No, Lloyd, I'm not Spiderman," the eye candy said. "It looks like that girl didn't make it inside."

"What girl?" Lloyd asked.

"The one who's trying to kill us."

"…Kill who?"

Kratos sighed. "The one with the boobs, Lloyd. The one with the boobs."

"Oh, her!" he said, drooling. "I'm surprised I didn't notice her."

"Well, you're a dumbass, so it's kind of expected of you," Kratos said. "In fact, the group has a pool going on how you're going to die on this journey. My money's on you getting stoned, thinking you can fly, and leaping off a cliff."

"You mean I can't fly?" Lloyd asked. "And sorry I'm not as perfect as you."

"I'm not perfect," Emo!Kratos said. "Even I make mistakes. I made a terrible one…"

"Hey, Moron and Emo Man!" Raine called. "Stop being dumb, and get your asses over here! Genis is being eaten by a starfish, and you just gotta see it!"

"AHHHHH! HELP ME, SOMEBODY, PLEASE!!" Genis screamed.

"No one will help you, Genis!" Lloyd yelled. "Everyone hates you!"

After wondering around the seal of water and dying about four times, the group finally figured out the puzzle.

"Finally," Lloyd said. "I thought that wolf was going to tear me to shreds."

"Lloyd, that wasn't a wolf," Kratos said. "It was a squid."

"Same species," Lloyd said.

An evil water monster came down upon them. Genis screamed and hid behind Kratos, who immediately tossed him directly at the monster. Lloyd began singing the Sailor Moon theme song as he attempted to kick the boss monsters' collective asses.

"Fighting evil by moonlight, finding love by daylight, never running from a real fight, she is the one called Sailor Moon-Ow!" Lloyd was pummeled by the monsters.

After a few seconds for Lloyd to heal his wounds, he and Kratos continued with the monster-ass kicking. Colette hung back, watching as everyone else fought her battle for her.

After the monster was killed, Colette kneeled at the alter. "Oh, Goddess Martel, grant me thy strength! Oh, and while you're at it, can you bring some Cheese Doodles down? I'm getting kinda hungry…"

Remiel floated down. "You have done well, Chosen One."

"Thank you, Father," Colette said.

"…" Remiel …'d "Go to the next seal, my daughter."

"What's with the shitty attitude?" Colette demanded. "Do you have a problem?"

"It doesn't matter. Just hurry your ass up and save the world." Remiel disappeared.

"What a dickwad," Genis said. Raine slapped him.

"You were a mistake, Genis! You were the result of a failing marriage and a lot of wine! Apologize to Colette!" she said.

"It's okay," Colette said. "Pretty much everyone in this game is a dickwad."

"Stop complaining and let's get the fuck out of here," Kratos said.

"And you're biggest dickwad of them all," Genis said. This was probably the first thing he'd said that didn't result in some form of Genis-abuse.

While no one disagreed with this fact, the group headed out of the Seal of Water. After about forty seconds outside, though, Colette collapsed. Again.

"Hey," Lloyd said, kicking her gently. "I think she's dead."

"She's not dead," Raine said. "She's just sick. I'm going to call the disease Angel Toxicosis."

"Because that'll help," Lloyd said. "I named my pet hyena Melrose, but that didn't stop her from eating sixteen Iselia villagers, did it?"

"Actually, I'm not sick," Colette said. "I'm just a little drunk. I found Kratos' stash of booze in his bag."

Kratos gasped. "My Jack Daniels! That's the only thing that keeps me emo and depressed!"

"It also makes you a dickwad," Lloyd pointed out.

"But it's the reason I have fangirls!"

So, while Kratos tries to find some more whiskey, Lloyd tries, and fails, to set up camp, Genis tries to figure out if Sailor Pluto is still considered a Sailor, Colette tries not to pass out, and Raine tries to find out the easiest way to kill a twelve-year-old femboy without getting caught, the authors ended the chapter.


	15. The Case Of The Missing Alcohol

**Siren: Storytime! Storytime!**

**Muse: Oh, boy! I love storytime! (snacks on bowl of kettle corn)**

**Siren: Ahem. (steals some kettle corn) Once upon a time, our school TV announcements came up with an anti-bullying commercial. It was black and white shots of kids standing there saying, "I am..." For example, a pregnant girl said, "I am a pregnant teen." A guy wearing a Hello Kitty shirt said, "I am gay." There was no walrus. How this was anti-bullying, no one knows. Regardless, you will understand this in the story later.**

**Muse: Moving on! Disclaimer!**

**(poof) Vincent Valentine: ...**

**Muse: What exactly does ... mean, anyway?**

**Siren: It means 'I am sexy. Kidnap me and keep me in your basement.'**

**Vincent: It means nothing of the sort. Sirens & Muses don't own FF7 or ToS. (poof)**

**Siren: NO! He's gone! (cries)**

**Muse: Look! A Vincent doll! (holds up doll)**

**Siren: (squeal) Review, please! Reviews make me happy. Like this doll.  
**

* * *

We last left our heroes as they were getting ready to head back across the ocean, having unlocked another seal and foiled another villain's plan. After knocking Raine out, they climbed into the washtub and headed back to land.

"Hey, Colette?" Genis asked once they were on the boat. "Why is Kratos sitting in the corner and giggling?"

"Oh," the blonde replied. "Since I stole his booze, he's been having some trouble being emo, so Lloyd gave him some of his pot!"

"Wouldn't that make him less emo?" Genis asked. "That doesn't make too much sense."

"Nothing does, Genis," Colette said cheerfully.

Just then, Lloyd passed by where Kratos was giggling at nothing. "Oh, I get it!" he said, joining Kratos in his giggling.

After reaching land, prying Lloyd and Kratos away from whatever was so funny about that corner, and dragging Raine off the boat, Colette and Genis (the only members of the group that weren't high or unconscious due to severe hydrophobia) made their way up past Hakonesia Peak and onto Asgard.

"Welcome to Asgard, City of Ruins!" a WalMart greeter cried.

"Ruins?!" Raine screamed, awakening from her water-induced coma. "Did you say something about old rocks?!"

"Uh, yes," WalMart Greeter said. "This is Asgard. Our main claim to fame is old rocks."

And she was gone, dragging her students/mercenary to the ruins.

"Lloyd, state the historical background of this ruin, while making me grilled cheese and standing on your head."

"What?" Lloyd asked, who wanted to count his own toes, but couldn't find them.

"It's the temple where Cleo III-ow!" Genis was hit in the head with an owl. "What the hell, Raine?"

"Genis, I wasn't asking you. Lloyd, answer the question," she replied.

"Uh…look! Kratos is singing karaoke!" He pointed to the stage.

"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter," Kratos was singing. "As long as I'm laughing with you!"

"Kratos, get down from there!" Raine snapped. "I swear, it's like travelling with a group of two year olds."

"Cause I know there's no life after you!"

While Raine attempted to get Kratos off the stage, Lloyd wandered over to the other side.

"Linar, this is my invention, the 'breaker'," a strange red-haired person was saying. "We gonna blow this shit up!"

"But, Harley," the blunette he was speaking to said. "It's a pretty rock! It has historical importance!"

"Dude, I don't think you understand. Your sister is going to die because of this rock," Harley said. "Which means I'm running out of time to sleep with her. We have to destroy it!"

"It's the Brave Little Toaster to the rescue!" Lloyd cried, attacking the rock offenders with toast.

"It's not what you think!" Linar cried. "I wasn't having a gay fantasy about Harley! Or blowing up the ruin!"

"Hey, Professor! Someone's going to blow up the ruins!" Lloyd called.

"NO! I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!" Raine came careening over and tackled both men to the ground. "You call yourselves human beings?!"

"I am a half-elf," Harley said.

"I am an emo kid!" Kratos cried.

"I am a blonde!" Colette proclaimed.

"I am confused about my sexuality!" Genis shouted.

"I am the walrus!" Lloyd yelled.

Raine then moved her arms in a wild motion and somehow, without even touching the switch, managed to flip it, killing them all in a bloody explosion.

Or not.

After some severe stomach kicking by Raine, Lloyd stopped the breaker. By stabbing it.

"We're cool!" he said, giving a thumbs up sign.

"You thar!" the Mayor said, running up the stairs to the ruin even though he's a ninety year old man with a cane. "What you be doing?"

"What be with the pirate speak?" Kratos asked. The Mayor pointed.

"Oot of here!"

"Oh, so now it's a Scottish accent? The hell?" Kratos, Colette, and Genis left, with Kratos occasionally throwing various items at Genis, i.e. a handful of grass, a rock, a mayor, etc.

Meanwhile, behind the ruin…

"Oh, no!" Harley cried. "It's the Mayor! Run!"

Linar threw up his hands as he and his friend ran off, screaming like Genis. Raine and Lloyd followed them.

Despite the fact that the previous events hadn't involved any of the other characters, everyone seemed to be up to date with the fact that they were almost blown to smithereens. So, they decided to talk to the bomb fiends. Actually, that's a lie. Only Raine wanted to talk. Lloyd and Kratos wanted to kick their asses, Genis didn't have a choice in the matter, and Colette can't even recall her own name, so she just followed them like a duckling.

Once inside the bomb-makers' house-because people just do that in real world, wander into random houses-they were faced with the worst insult of all of Symphonia.

"What did you call us?!" Lloyd screamed, while Genis fainted like a Southern Belle and Kratos simply glowered. Colette was fanning Genis' face while Raine gasped.

"That's right," Harley said. "I called you tourists."

"Do I have a fanny pack? How about a camera? Or Capri jeans and sensible white sneakers?" Lloyd bitchslapped Harley. "How dare you!"

"Harley!" Aisha cried. "Don't call them tourists! This is my house!" She paused. "By the way, what are you doing here? And why do you have three pairs of my underwear?"

"Because…look, a distraction!" Harley pointed at the wall before making his daring escape.

"Okay, then," Aisha said. "Thank you for stopping them, even though I'm going to be sacrificed now because you did."

"Sacrificed? Like a virgin? Touched for the very first time?" Lloyd asked. Kratos slapped him.

"I draw the line at Madonna!" he yelled.

"Man! Killjoy. I even shared my drugs with you."

"Yeah," Linar said sadly. "The townspeople got bored and there was a wind demon terrorizing the town, so they figured human sacrifice was a good solution to both problems."

After a short pause, Lloyd asked the question you're all asking, "Where the fuck did you come from?"

"Over there," Linar said, nodding.

"Oh."

The group stood around in silence for a few minutes before Lloyd said, "Okay, so how about we let the wind demon kill Raine instead?"

"Whatnow?" she asked.

"Sounds okay to me," Kratos agreed.

"Whoa, whoa, did you guys just decide this?!" Raine said.

"Yes," Colette said happily.

"But I do enjoy living. It's kind of nice. And Genis won't allow it, will he?" Raine pleaded with her little brother.

"Of course not! You can't kill my sis-gaaaah." Genis was knocked out with a naker.

"Where'd that small Arabic drum come from?" Lloyd asked. No one answered.

"So, it's settled," Kratos said. "Raine will be sacrificed, Genis will remain unconscious, Colette will replace my booze-"

"Like hell I will!" she cried.

"-Lloyd will stand there, and I will continue being a sex object for fangirls. Any objections?"

"Yes, I have a few very strong objections," Raine began.

"Any objections I'm going to actually listen to? No? Okay, let's posse out." Kratos led the way out, dragging a protesting, about-to-be-sacrificed Raine with him. Lloyd followed, playing polo with his sword and Genis' unconscious body. Colette skipped merrily along behind them. And the authors ended this chapter.


	16. Where's The Cake?

**Siren: Whoo! Two updates in two days! We're on a roll.**

**Muse: Why does it smell like tacos in here?**

**Siren: Because my mom made tacos.**

**Muse:...I like tacos.  
**

**Siren: Yes, you can stay for dinner. My mom even remembered to buy you sour cream this time.**

**Muse: Your mom is amazing. Disclaimer!**

**(poof) Gilder: Well, hi there. Sirens & Muses don't own ToS or Skies of Arcadia. Hey, where's my awesome parrot? Willie?!  
**

**Siren: Uh...he had to go...to the dentist. (hides Willie behind back) Review, please!  
**

* * *

The journey continues as the group heads for the giant rock that people use as a stage and a sacrificing area. Standing around it is the Mayor, a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really,really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really really, really, really, very old man.

"Yo, dawg, you can't come in here!" he yelled at our heroes.

"Why do you change your accent every time you speak?" Lloyd asked.

"I say, old chap, what accent? I don't know what the bloody hell you're talking about, you wanker." He shook his head.

"That one," Kratos said. "You just went from ghetto to British. Why do you do that?"

"Why, I reckon you a little off your rocker," he said. "Anyways, only them there dancers can come on into this here rock-stage."

"Uh, okay," Genis said. "Raine's the dancer."

"Like, OMG! Of course you can come in! But, just so you know, don't come crying to me when you, like, die. Oh, gotta go! My BFF is calling! TTFN!"

After the Mayor left, the group headed over to dress Raine into her sacrifice clothes. However, Raine was still not very pleased with the whole 'we decided to give you up as a sacrifice' thing, so she had to be force-dressed by Kratos, Lloyd, Colette, Genis, and a young owl trainer named Seth.

After Raine was all ready to go, they plopped her on the stage/rock.

"Dance!" Kratos hissed.

"Um, okay!" Raine walked around in a circle, occasionally hitting the ground with her staff.

"What the hell kind of dancing is this?" Lloyd asked. "No nudity at all! This is a shitty strip club!"

"Lloyd, it's not a strip club," Genis reminded him.

Suddenly, out of a cloud of smoke came a monster. "I have come for the party. And I brought chips. But no dip."

"Cheapskate," Kratos muttered.

"I've also come to take this girl, kill her, skin her, and use her skin to finish my quilt. Honestly, you have no idea how hard it is to find human skin-colored fabric."

"Um, guys?" Raine said nervously. "You wanna come up and save me?" There was a mumble of negative answers. She sighed. "If you save me, I'll give you a present!"

"I LIKE PRESENTS!" Colette yelled. The group took off, attacking the large, quilt-making, cheap-partying monster.

It immediately pummeled Genis into the ground. For twenty-seven minutes. After that it went for Raine, who kicked it in the shins. Lloyd and Kratos both attacked it. Colette stood there like a puppy on train tracks. Finally, after a few hours of Lloyd trying to cut it in half with the wrong end of his swords, Kratos took pity on him and flipped them around for him.

"Yay!" Lloyd cheered. "I done it all by myself!"

The monster dropped a rock as he died in rainbow agony. Raine picked it up.

"Look! A plot device!" she examined it. "It's written in some kind of ancient language."

"No, actually, it's just a bunch of random, misspelled words," Kratos said, yanking it away from her.

"Can you read it?" Genis asked.

"We can decipher it at my house!" Linar shouted.

"Of course," Raine said.

"Whoa, wait," Lloyd said. "You're just met this guy twenty minutes ago. He tried to blow up half the town. You don't even know his last name. And you're just going to go home with him? Haven't you ever heard of stranger danger? What if he rapes and tortures you? He could have a cage in the basement where he keeps sex slaves he kidnaps."

"Um, Lloyd?" Kratos said. "She's gone. Matter of fact, so is everyone else."

Lloyd looked around. "Oh. I think we skipped a scene. Something about Genis being a half-elf."

"I'm sure it's not important," Kratos assured him.

**The next day…**

"Good timing," Raine said. "I just finished deciphering the tablet."

"It took all night?" Lloyd asked.

"Well, afterwards, Linar and I decided to chug every bit of alcohol in the house. After that, things got a bit hazy. Which reminds me, we have to stop at the drug store before we go. I have to grab the day-after pill. I do not want to have this freak's baby." Raine eyed Linar wearily.

"But-but you told me you loved me," he said.

"Eh, I lied."

The group left Linar crying on the floor, heading to the Balacruf Mausoleum.

"I'm bored," Lloyd complained.

"No one cares," Kratos said.

Luckily, the Mausoleum takes about twenty-six seconds to reach on foot, so Lloyd's short attention span was satisfied quickly.

"Cool! A big building! Maybe there's cake inside!"

"I love cake!" Colette squealed.

The two teens ran to the door. Finding it unable to be opened, they simply started running into it trying to break it down.

"Hey, intelligent people? You know we have to _open_ the door before you can go inside, right?" Kratos said. Colette and Lloyd gave him blank looks.

"Do you think the cake is chocolate?" Colette asked excitedly.

"Of course!" Lloyd exclaimed. "Who wouldn't make chocolate cake to put inside a huge ruin?"

Kratos sighed. "Just…open the door, Raine."

"Say the magic word," Raine told him.

"Please."

"Actually, it's 'diphenylaminechlorarsine'. But 'please' works, too."

Raine opened the door, allowing the group inside.

"Hey, there's no cake in here!" Lloyd yelled. "I want my money back!"

They wondered around for about an hour, falling into various traps.

"Ow! Crap!" Lloyd was speared by random spikes.

"Lloyd, you have to go across them slowly," Genis said. Lloyd punched him.

"Yeah, these traps aren't totally stolen from the Sega version of Prince of Persia or anything," Kratos said. "Douchebags at Namco are going to get sued…"

Meanwhile, at Namco's legal department…

"Hey, what's this piece of paper?" a random lawyer asked, pulling it out from underneath his coffee cup. "It says that Jordan Mechner is suing us for stealing his ideas. How long has this been here?"

Back on the roof of the Balacruf Mausoleum…

"How'd we get here?" Lloyd asked.

"Oh, the authors decided to bypass the traps in here," Raine said. "They really suck. I mean, did anyone actually take the time to find and read all the stupid stories on the wall?"

"I just did trial and error with the windmills," Kratos said.

"Went online and found a cheat," Genis admitted.

"Ditto," Colette said.

"Hey, I bet you guys I'd die if I jumped off here," Lloyd said, dangerously close to the edge of the roof.

"Idiot," Kratos mumbled.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, everything went dark because the chapter came to an end before the boss battle.


	17. Plothole Party!

**Siren: Hey, people! Sorry for the disappearance.**

**Muse: We had finals last week.**

**Siren: That being said, we'll try to update more, now that there's no school and less hours to work.**

**Muse: Disclaimer!**

**(poof) Noishe: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS.**

**Siren: ...You can talk?**

**Noishe:...I mean...whine. (poof)**

**Siren: Reviews are good for your heart and kidneys!**

* * *

We rejoin our heroes as they wait patiently for Remiel to show up. In the meantime, Namco decided this would be a convenient time to foreshadow a boss battle.

Sheena ran up to where Noishe stood, just hanging around guarding the ruins. Instead of doing the logical thing and flicking his nose or something, she decided the best course of action was to waste time and energy to call upon a magical being to come from nowhere. Said magical being flipped out of an explosion of smoke and stood in front of Noishe, which apparently was enough to frighten him into immobilization. Because, you know, its not like he's forty times bigger than this guinea pig with wings, and can't just step on it.

Regardless, the cutscene ends with Sheena rushing into the Balacruf Mausoleum after her foes.

We now return to our heroes, who are standing there waiting around for a giant bird to attack them. Genis was crushed under the wing of the giant bird, who then proceeded to peck his eyes out. After that, Kratos and Lloyd tried to attack it. However, birds can fly. It didn't occur to either swordsman to, say, throw their swords. So Colette proved herself useful by flying up and killing the bird. This will be the last time she ever does anything useful.

After this long and completely uninteresting battle, Remiel finally decided to grace the heroes with his presence.

"Chosen One, you have done well," he stated. "You will receive this rainbow zap as a gift."

Colette sneezed as a jet of rainbow color hit her. "Geez, is that all? Dumb."

"Fine! Ungrateful bitch, here! I'll teach you to sing, which does absolutely nothing in a battle. In fact, the player will probably end up disabling it because it only succeeds in wasting TP! So take that!" Remiel disappeared in a puff of feathers.

The group headed down the stairs and past all those beautiful traps that were a pain in the ass to get through. They were then greeted by Sheena, the female sex object of the game.

"This ruin shall be your graveyard!" she shouted, then attacked them with her weird guardian of the wind thing. Because what else do you do after a statement like that? Throw a pillow at them?

Since Sheena had decided not to throw pillows at them, our heroes had no choice but to kick her ass. Lloyd stood there, caught between ogling Sheena's chest and being too dumb to know what the word 'ogling' means. Colette chased Sheena around, trying to give her a friendship muffin, while Raine and Kratos proceeded to actually do something productive and beat their ninja foe.

"Why can't I win?" she screamed.

"I dunno," Lloyd said. "The script says something about 'goodness and love', but I think it's just because you suck."

"If you're good, I'm good as well!" Sheena yelled.

"It's like Namco is _trying _to spoil the plot," Kratos grumbled.

"Your regeneration journey destroys my world," Sheena explained. "By all rights, because I'm here to kill you, I shouldn't be telling you this, but to hell with it."

She then ran up the steps and into the ruins.

"Wait, come back!" Raine cried. However, she didn't come back.

"Isn't anyone going to go chase her?" Genis asked. "I mean, she's running into a dead end. She can't go anywhere."

"Stop pointing out plotholes, Genis!" Raine cried, throwing a boulder at him.

"That girl…is she…?" Kratos foreshadowed quietly.

"Yes. Yes, she is," Lloyd said. The group then abruptly left.

Out by the entrance, Colette conveniently collapsed into Lloyd's arms.

"Ten points for a good catch," Kratos commented.

"It's the Angel Toxicosis, or maybe the flu," Raine said. "She needs rest."

Suddenly, Lloyd got tired of holding Colette up and throw her on the ground, then fell next to her for no apparent reason.

"Ten points for a nice unprompted plot device," Kratos said.

Our heroes began to set up camp, which was actually just a fire. What will they do if it rains?

"Colette, show me your hand," Lloyd commanded.

"No, you freak! God, what is it with your weird hand fetish?" Colette shoved her hands in her pockets to protect them.

"Fine, fine, let's just drink some hot coffee," Lloyd grumbled.

"I like ducks," Colette informed him, going back into her dumb state.

"I'm sure you do. Hold the coffee. Isn't it hot?"

"Yes, very hot. My hand is actually on fire," the blonde said.

"It's actually iced coffee," Lloyd confessed. "I had Genis make it cold."

"Why the fuck would you do that? It's, like, twenty degrees out here!" Colette said.

"I lied. It's actually hot."

"…You're a dick, Lloyd." She then beat him unconscious with the mug. "Tell me, Lloyd, is it hot or cold?"

"Cause you're hot and you're cold," Kratos sang.

"OW! Crazy bitch! It's hot! It's hot!" Lloyd screamed.

"Hey, you're a crazy bitch," Kratos continued singing.

"Can you help me, please, Kratos?" Lloyd called, still being beaten with the mug of multi-thermal coffee.

"Tell me what you want from me," Kratos kept going.

"Fuck you!" Lloyd screamed.

Finally, after pounding Lloyd's face in and pouring the hot coffee down his pants, Colette brushed off her dress and went to sleep.

The next morning, the group headed off for Luin, for no clearly stated reason.

"Whoa, everything's all broked," Lloyd said.

Over by the fountain, the group discovered that Sheena was hanging around, half dead. While people with half a brain would have just killed her, Colette and Lloyd convinced Raine to heal her.

"But first, tell me what happened here," Raine said.

"You're as devious as you look," Sheena said.

"…How does she look devious?" Lloyd asked. "I don't get it."

"The Desians destroyed this city," Sheena grunted.

"Why?" Colette asked.

"I don't know, something about not selling Twix here."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a voice called for help.

"Help me!" A random priest came power-walking as fast as his stubby, devout legs could carry him away from a giant monster. Then, for no reason, they both stopped.

"It's what's-her-bucket!" Lloyd yelled.

"You mean Clara?" Kratos said, rolling his eyes. "Dumbass. Can't even remember your own name."

"Yes, I can! It's…Josh? No, wait, Randal?"

Sheena ran up to protect the slow moving priest and ended up getting bitch-slapped by Clara. So, Colette did what any normal person would do and started up a conversation with the priest-eating monster. And got bitch-slapped.

"You got pwn'd!" Kratos taunted.

"Where'd Clara go?" Genis asked. He was once again beaten for bringing attention to the plotholes of this story.

"Alright, heal the talking boobs," Lloyd said. "God knows, without her the plot can't go on."

"Cool, now let's go save the people at the Human Ranch," Sheena said.

"Well, that was blunt," Lloyd said.

"Do we have to?" Kratos whined. "I really have shit I need to do. I mean, Law & Order is on tonight."

"…Kratos, TV's don't exist," Lloyd siad. "And besides, we have to stop Kvar-"

"WHAT ABOUT KILLING, MAIMING, RAPING, AND/OR SLAUGHTERING KVAR?" Kratos screeched.

"Um, I didn't say killing, maiming, raping, and/or slaughtering him, but we have to save-" Lloyd began again.

"Let's go!" Without further ado, Kraots proceeded to drag Lloyd and the rest of the group out to the ranch and towards the end of this chapter.


	18. What Beautiful Eyes You Don't Have!

**Siren: Howdy, ya'll. So, do you know what I just realized?**

**Muse: What?**

**Siren: Taylor Laudner, the guy who play Jacob in the Twilight movies, is Sharkboy in 'Sharkboy And Lavagirl.'**

**Muse: ...Do you even care?**

**Siren: Not in the slightest! More interesting than that?**

**Muse: What?**

**Siren: Wierd Al was a member of a club in high school called The Volcano Worshippers' Club.**

**Muse: ...That is interesting. Disclaimer!**

**(poof) Chef Gordan Ramsey: Donkeys! Sirens & Muses don't own ToS!**

**Siren: (drools) You're so cute...**

**Muse: Did you really cheat on your wife?**

**Chef Ramsey: ...No comment.**

**Muse: That means yes.**

**Siren: We'll love you forever if you review! And if you don't, we'll set up voodoo doll shrines and curse you for all eternity!**

* * *

The adventure continues as our heroes come upon the Asgard Ranch to sneak in.

"So, here's the plan," Kratos stage-whispered. "Lloyd and Colette will tie Genis up and feed him to some wolves in the forest, while the rest of us kill some guards and steal their clothes."

"Hey, wait, I don't like this-AHHHH!" Genis screamed as Lloyd and Colette tossed him out to a herd of drooling wolves.

"Wolves don't come in herds," Lloyd said. He was then crushed with a falling refrigerator.

"Yes, yes, moving on," Raine said. "While you were arguing with the imaginary voices in your head again, we killed some Desians and stole their uniforms."

The group went back to Luin to discuss their plan further.

"Hey, question?" Genis asked. "If we're in Luin, why is Nova's Caravan here?"

"Hey, answer? Fuck off, Genis." Lloyd threw a flaming stick at him.

"Only one of the Desian uniforms can be worn," Raine said tiredly.

"Me! Me! Pick me!" Lloyd waved his hand around wildly. "Me! Oh, me!"

"This isn't a game," Kratos said.

"You mean we're not playing Duck, Duck, Rabbit?" Colette asked.

"…Rabbit? I thought it was Duck, Duck, Kamodo Dragon." Lloyd scratched his head. "Whoa! Professor, when did you change clothes? And why do the Desian uniforms have assless chaps?"

"I changed right in front of you, Lloyd," she said, completely ignoring the second question. "In fact, you were staring at me creepily the entire time."

"Oh, yeah. Why do you get to be the Desian?"

"Because you, Kratos, and Genis are men, and Colette hasn't hit puberty yet."

The group went onward to the Asgard Ranch, pretending to be prisoners. No one seemed to notice that one Desian had managed to capture four other people and was restraining them without any real method at all.

"Stop!" Desian 1 shouted.

"We've done it!" Raine said.

"…Done what?" Desian 2 asked.

"We captured Lloyd Irving! And I even caught him alive, for Lord Kvar's torturing pleasure!"

"Good job!" Desian 1 said.

"Hey, I was going to say that!" Desian 2 said, insulted.

"…I'm sorry, I didn't know it was that important to you…"

"Well, it is!" Desian 2 bursted into tears. "You never have any idea what's important to me! You don't even say my name right! I'm not just some piece of tail you caught in a bar, you know!"

While Desian 2 tried to work out his very strange issues, our group went inside.

"Hark how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say, throw cares away," Lloyd sang.

"Why exactly are you singing Carol of the Bells?" Kratos asked.

"Um, because…look, a distraction!" Lloyd pointed at the wall. Kratos slapped him.

After wondering around for a couple hours, the group found their way to the control room.

"Hey, look!" Lloyd cried, going over to the TV and pressing buttons. "Kvar has DVR. Hmm, porn, porn, bad '90s sitcoms, Hispanic porn, 'The Misadventures of Flapjack'? What the fuck is up with that? Delete!"

"Stop pressing stuff!" Raine snapped, grabbing the remote. "Look, this place is an Exsphere manufacturing plant."

"Why do I get the feeling that we're about to learn something disturbing that we should've figured out before?" Sheena said.

"Whoa! You're still here?" Lloyd blinked. "Freaky."

"Everyone, shut your traps!" Colette said. "I hear voices…"

"Didn't we get her medication for that?" Kratos asked.

"I DO NOT HEAR ANYTHING, COLETTE!" Genis screamed at the top of his lungs.

"ME EITHER! YOU MUST BE CRAZY!" Lloyd shouted.

Colette then did a dainty run-walk thing to the doorway, with Lloyd following behind in a not-so-dainty way. Botta and a few random Renegades came out of the doorway.

"Everyone, gasp!" Lloyd shouted. "It's the Desians!"

"What the…? Haven't you read the Wikipedia article on this game yet?" Botta said. "We're not Desians! Geez, get your act together."

They ran away like scared bunnies. Again.

Suddenly, Colette and Kratos felt the urge to stand in front of Lloyd. Which isn't weird. At all.

The door opened, revealing three Desians, who did a fifty-minute pole dance before shooting fireballs at our heroes. Kratos, being awesome like that, brought up his sphere of awesomeness to block it. Colette was protected by the super-special-awesome dumbass-ness that is her brain function. Or something like that.

"Colette! Kratos! Rachel Ray!" Lloyd shouted.

"I'm okay," Colette said.

"There's no time to be okay!" Kratos said. "Look behind you!"

"Look, an asshole!" Sheena shouted, pointing epic-ly.

"Something insulting, involving rats," Kvar said.

"I SHALL MURDER YOU!" Kratos shouted. "But not until later, after I've had my Red Bull."

"Just out of curiosity," Lloyd asked, "Who are you, and where are your eyes? I mean, you look like Brock from Pokemon."

"You charge into my ranch, make my guards cry-"

"I messed with your DVR, too," Lloyd added.

"…Douchebag." Kvar cleared his throat. "Yes. And demand my name?"

"Kind of, yeah," Lloyd said.

Kvar blinked. Mentally. "Well. Don't know what to say to that."

"He's Kvar, the biggest fuckstick of all time," Kratos said, with the most emotion he's shown in the entire game.

"Bigger than you?" Lloyd questioned.

"Much bigger," Kratos said.

"Ahahahahahahahaha…ha," Kvar laughed. "I see some of you know me. Wait, aren't you that guy who gouged out my eyes with a spoon and used them as wedding rings?"

"…Maybe."

"Okay, lets hurry it up here," Sheena grumbled. "I need to get home. I left the oven on, the water running, and my cat in the microwave. I just hope he didn't figure out how to turn it on."

"Gimme your Exsphere!" Kvar cried.

"Oh, wait, let me see…" Lloyd pretended to ponder. "How about…no, you haiku-writing motherfucker?"

"I love haiku," Colette said. Then she pulled her Frisbees from the Ninth Dimension of Weapon Storage and threw them at Kvar.

The group ran into the next room, being chased directly into a deadend by Kvar. But not before learning the truth behind Exspheres.

"Holy shit!" Lloyd cried. "Soylent Green is people!"

"This part is so depressing, I can't even smack you," Kratos said.

"I will now have a Q & A session about the Exspheres and the Desian organization," Kvar said. "Even though it endangers my entire plan."

After the group had learned everything about making Exspheres, they had a lovely chat about Lloyd's mom.

"Your daddy killed her," Kvar said. "They were both pathetic."

"Liar!" Lloyd shouted.

"Do not speak ill of my wife-I mean, of the dead," Kratos said.

"Once again, bad foreshadowing," Genis muttered.

Kvar and his men advanced upon the group, threatening to shove them over the cliff. Why there was a cliff there, no one knows.

"Ooh! I get to save us!" Sheena cried. "Okay, uh, smoke bomb things go whoosh!"

A giant bird appeared, saving them and ending the chapter in one bright, blinding, white flash.


	19. If He's Dead, How Is He Alive?

**Siren: Dearest readers, we apologize for the late updates. Computers have not been our friends recently.**

**Muse: Neither has school or work.**

**Siren: That aside, we shall try to update sooner.**

**Muse: Disclaimer!**

**(poof) Sephiroth: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS. And I am going to bring about the end of this forsaken world.**

**Siren: Here you go. (shows fanfiction)**

**Sephiroth: What...? Ahhh! No! I'm not gay!**

**Siren: You haven't even seen who your lover is.**

**Sephiroth: ...AHHHH! Rufus? Who the fuck wrote this?**

**Siren: This is why you should never read M-rated fanfiction at two in the morning. It's disturbing.**

**Muse: (rocks back and forth) God help me...**

**Sephiroth: What's this about crotchless lace panties? Ugh...I feel sick. (poof)  
**

**Siren: Review, please!  
**

* * *

We rejoin our heroes after they have escaped the eyeless clutches of Kvar, thanks to the help of Sheena's ninja-ness. They then decided to go to Luin to go straight into the blind lion's den again.

"I can't believe Exspheres are made from human lives," Sheena said, as the camera panned to reveal everyone except Kratos and Colette staring at their radioactive hands.

"This is Marble's life," Genis said. "I wonder what will happen if I poke it."

"Lloyd, I suck at a lot of things, and cheering you up is one of them," Colette said. "So, instead of even trying, I'm going to let Kratos do it."

"Are you kidding?" Kratos said. "Hello! Emo!"

"These things make a mockery of human life!" Lloyd said dramatically.

"Those people didn't become victims because they wanted to," Kratos said.

"No crap," Genis said. "That's kind of the definition of the word 'victim'."

"…Would you cheer up if I punch Genis in the face?" Kratos asked.

"A little," Lloyd admitted.

After a minor Genis-abuse incident and some sleep, the group headed for Hima to see Pietro, Mario's second cousin three times removed who escaped from the ranch. Once at the inn, though, they found a strange woman blocking the staircase.

"THERE'S NOTHING UP HERE!" she screamed.

"Hi, Sophia. How's Pietro?" Sheena asked.

"He passed away, and I'm completely not lying to you. I would never do that. What gave you that idea?" Sophia looked around suspiciously.

"Yeah, yeah," Raine said impatiently. "Where's all his shit?"

"Do you loot _all_ the dead guys you run into?" Sheena asked.

"It's not like they need any of their stuff anymore."

"He didn't have any belongings," Sophia said. "His grave is precariously perched on the edge of the mountain, where landslides could easily send it down the cliff. Please don't dig it up."

"Whoa!" Lloyd said. "Where did that come from? What makes you think we'd dig up someone's grave?"

"That guy behind you has a shovel." Sophia pointed to Kratos, who shifted to hide the shovel.

"This? This is for, uh, digging for treasure. Yeah."

They went up to Pietro's grave. "So, let's pray," Colette said. "Maybe he'll come back to life and help us."

"So, let me get this straight," Kratos said. "I dragged this shovel four and a half miles uphill, with no one else's help, and we're not digging anyone's dead body up? This is bullshit." He hit Genis with the shovel, sending the munchkin off the cliff.

Suddenly, a random guy came up and started spouting nonsense at Lloyd. Little did he know, this was Lloyd.

"Chosen…Mana…die…," he said.

"Frog," Lloyd said.

"Boulder…big….Chosen…die…," Random Guy said.

"Um…frog."

"Jewel…Mana…Chosen…"

"Ooh, tricky." Lloyd thought. "Frog."

"Pietro!" Sheena said.

"There you are, Pietro, who I told everyone was dead!" Sophia said, running up to herd him away.

"You lied to us," Raine said.

"No, I didn't!" Sophia said.

"Yeah, you did."

"No one can talk to him!" she shouted. "I must protect him, even though there really isn't a point in doing so, since he's kind of catatonic anyway."

"So, you're not going to tell us how he got out?" Lloyd said.

"Nope! What are you guys going to do about it?" Sophia taunted.

"…We could bury you alive," Kratos suggested. "I've got the shovel ready."

"All right, all right!" Sophia cried. "He said he blocked the exit with a giant, conspicuous boulder. Take his shit with you. It's using up grave space, and a couple old ladies have died recently. We've been storing them in the inn. By the way, heal Pietro." Sophia and Pietro left.

"Bitch," Lloyd mumbled. He then dug up the grave and stole the Desian orb, as well as a losing lottery ticket, six banana peels, and _The Biggest Loser Yoga DVD._

The group set out for the misleadingly named Asgard Ranch. Once there, Lloyd tried to push a giant boulder out of the way, only to have his masculinity questioned for what will not be the last time in this game. Instead, Raine used her kickassedness to hold up the Desian orb and move the rock, making Lloyd look like a pre-pubescent girl/Genis.

They then materialized into the ranch, in front of a bunch of Desians.

"Who the hell are you?" a Desian said.

"Sir Elton John, who do you think I am?" Lloyd asked before killing them.

"Okay," Raine said, "Let me just stroke my imaginary beard, thereby magically bringing up a convenient ranch-wide map."

"Why would he put a map of his entire ranch here, with virtually no protection?" Lloyd asked. "I mean, isn't that asking for people to invade?"

"I should've drowned you at birth," Kratos mumbled. "I almost had your mother convinced, too, but then she saw that cute onesie that said 'Mommy & Daddy + martini = Me', and made me pull you out of the bathtub."

"Kratos," Colette called. "We've moved on. Who's in which group?"

"I'm murdering Kvar," Lloyd said.

"So am I," Sheena said.

"Kratos smash!" Kratos yelled.

"I wanna go!" Genis whined.

"Okay, well, look," Lloyd said. "It's come down to the point where it's either staring at Sheena's chest or Genis abuse. I mean, really, has anyone ever said, 'let's not have Kratos in our party'?"

Dramatic music cued to enhance Lloyd's decision-making. Unfortunately, the DJ was run over by a truck, so the song was actually 'Face Up, Face Down' from the Yu-Gi-Oh Music To Duel By CD stolen from Siren's nephew's closet.

"Come on, Lloyd! Decide!" Genis yelled.

"Don't rush me! It takes time." Lloyd inhaled and exhaled. "Okay, I've chosen. I choose...eh, what the hell. Genis, you amuse me."

"Yay!" Genis threw flowers around. "I get to go!"

"Sorry, floating chesticles," Lloyd said, patting Sheena's shoulder. "I hope this doesn't come between us."

"…You're an asshole, Lloyd. Major asshole."

With that, the groups went their separate ways, which for now leads to the end of the chapter.


	20. It's Time For Kanye To Shut Up

**Siren: Well, we published a fanfiction for something other than ToS.**

**Muse: Not as fun. Disclaimer!**

**(poof) Santa: Where the hell were you a month ago?**

**Siren: Busy. Doing stuff. Like playing a new video game.**

**Santa: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS. And they are never getting another Christmas present again. (poof)  
**

**Muse: Review?  
**

* * *

We rejoin our heroes as they split up to eliminate Kvar. Unfortunately, no one seemed to have any idea where the hell they were going.

"Lloyd, we've already been here," Kratos said.

"Shut up. We're going the right way."

"We're going in circles. In fact, we're just circling Raine, Colette, and Sheena."

"Oh." Lloyd stopped circling and went into a random room, with Kratos and Genis following him.

Inside the room were the Exsphere containers and a shutoff switch. Lloyd, instead of being intelligent and pressing, say, the stop button, beat it with Genis until it stopped.

"Perfect!" he said. They then went to another random room, which had conveyer belts.

"Okay, so really, shouldn't there be an emergency kill switch or something?" Genis asked. "I mean, what if someone gets caught in the machine and dies?"

"That's a fabulous idea!" Lloyd yelled. He then threw Genis onto the conveyor belt. "Why aren't you dead yet?"

"…Shut up, Lloyd," Kratos said, dragging him onto the belt. "Shoot those things. Yes, those things."

Lloyd lifted the Sorcerer's ring. "BAM! Kick it up a knotch."

"Shut the hell up. And you spelled 'notch' wrong." Kratos kicked him in the head.

"Oww…" Once Lloyd's headache was gone and he'd stopped the belt, the team continued on to dodge laser beams and eventually end up at a teleporter that conveniently led straight to Kvar.

"Get ready, Kvar!" Lloyd yelled, expecting a climatic exit. Not so. They failed to go anywhere at all, so being the epic heroes they were, they…stood there and waited.

The other team did something important, but it wasn't important enough. All it did was open the teleporter to allow Lloyd and co. to beat Kvar's ass with no help from the other team.

…Is that how you spell 'teleporter'?

Moving on, we rejoin Lloyd's slightly cooler group, minus Genis, as they face Kvar.

"I found you, Kvar. Now you'll pay!" Lloyd raised his swords.

"Just a moment," Kvar said. "I'm on the phone, can't you see my Bluetooth?"

Lloyd tapped his foot. "God, I hate people like you. What, your life is too busy to pick up the phone? Really? What a douchebag."

"So, this is Lloyd? He does bare a resemblance," ? said. She licked her lips and made the 'call me' motion at Lloyd.

"A resemblance to who?" Lloyd asked, not fully aware of the situation, probably because he was focused on not doing something stupid. Kratos sneezed.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't change the subject to your obvious obsession with Kratos and his offspring, Pronyma!" Kvar snapped. That's right: SNAPPED. "It's clear you've been stealing research data from my Angelus Project."

"Yo, Kvar, I'm really happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but you say 'research' weird," Lloyd said.

"Yeah, you only made that joke a year and a half fucking late," Genis said. He was immediately crushed with Kanye West.

"Yo, Genis, I'm really happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but you deserve to be bitchslapped. Just sayin'." Kayne made himself comfortable on Genis' back.

"I'm sick of this, Kvar. I didn't steal your stuff. Except for that crack. That crack was mine, I tell you, MINE!" Pronyma then disappeared in a puff of white smoke.

"So my crack addiction is no longer a secret," Kvar said.

"It never was a secret," Lloyd answered. "You always have white powder under your nose."

"That's, um…my mustache?"

"You carry a bag of white powder and a razorblade with you at all times," Kratos added helpfully.

"That's my other mustache."

"You're snorting some now!" Genis said. Kanye bitchslapped him.

Kvar shoved his bag of crack into his pocket. "That is none of your concern. Your concern should my mocking your mother-slash-wife-slash…" He stopped. "I'm sorry, who are you again?" he asked Genis.

"I'm Genis Sage, and I'm Lloyd's best friend." Kanye and Lloyd both bitchslapped him.

"As I was saying, your wife was a whore and something else bad." Kvar then attacked them.

Unfortunately, the authors can't describe the fight scene that takes place here, solely because it is too bloody, gory, and disturbingly twisted that to describe it would be ensuring certain insanity. Or at least a few years of therapy.

However, let's say Kratos got his revenge. And then some.

"Feel the pain of those inferior beings as you burn in hell!" He glanced down. "Why is this fangirl humping my leg?"

"They do that occasionally," Raine said, appearing from nowhere. "It must be mating season."

"If you'd stop saying awesome quotes, you wouldn't have this problem," Lloyd said.

"OW MY FACE!" Kvar screamed. Kratos kicked him.

"Colette, your wound," Raine said. Kanye bitchslapped Genis.

"How'd she get that?" Lloyd asked, staring at the gaping hole in Colette's back.

"Oh, I fell in on myself and broke myself," she said happily, bleeding all over the floor. Kvar just had it waxed, too.

"OW MY KIDNEYS!" Kvar screamed. Kratos stabbed him.

"Shut the hell up before I stab you."

"OW MY NEWLY OPENED STAB WOUND!"

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Llody said. "By Genis." Kanye bitchslapped Genis. "Colette can't feel anything! She can't eat, sleep, something else important, laugh, cry, smile…"

"Lloyd, she can still do some of those things," Kratos pointed out.

"…read, count, play video games, navigate a map…"

"She can do all those things, Lloyd."

"…corn, wheat, pigs, cows, tractors…"

"Those are all thing you find on a farm, Lloyd."

"…Yeah, so let's do something productive!" Lloyd finished.

"Well, I could always blow up the ranch," Raine suggested.

"Yeah!" everyone agreed.

"OW MY EYE!" Kvar screamed.

"You have no eyes!" Kratos yelled back.

"PHANTOM LIMB SYNDROME!"

"Your eyes aren't limbs!" Kratos dumped nitric acid on Kvar. "Isn't chemistry fun, Kvar?"

"Yeah, we blow you up now," Sheena said. They all left.

Suddenly, another ? character showed up on Kvar's Bluetooth, because he apparently doesn't have caller ID.

"Lord Kvar, thanks to you, my crack collection is almost complete. Soon I'll have enough crack to keep me high for the rest of my life! Ha-ha-ha! Oh, and something about the Mana Cannon, or something."

"Hang on guys, I just forgot Genis' purse," Lloyd called. He stepped into the room and froze. "Um…hi there. You know he's dead, right?"

"…He's just sleeping," ? said.

"No, I'm pretty sure he's dead. I'm just gonna…leave now." Lloyd picked up Genis' fabulously purple sequin decorated purse and crept out of the room.

"…I'm hanging up now."

The heroes ended up outside, after watching the Asgard human ranch explode in pretty colors. They then decided to head off to town to do whatever they do, which in this case involved ending the chapter.


	21. Sexy FTW

**Siren: We're back, baby!**

**Muse: (snores)**

**Siren: Well, I'M back at any rate.**

**Muse: (snores)**

**Siren: (pokes)**

**Muse: (rolls over)**

**Siren: Okay, then. So, here we go. Disclaimer!**

**Tommy Lee Jones: ...Why am I here?**

**Siren: To say our disclaimer. And to be awesome.**

**Muse: (twitches)**

**Tommy Lee Jones: And who is he?**

**Siren: He's asleep, and therefore unimportant.**

**Tommy Lee Jones: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS or me.**

**Siren: ...I just bought you on eBay.**

**Tommy Lee Jones: Okay, then. Go see Captain America. (poof)**

**Siren: It's superspecialawesome.**

**Muse: (snorts) What happened? What did I miss? Have we updated yet?**

* * *

We rejoin our heroes as they sit around chatting about Colette's terrible, horrific, excruciatingly painful, appendage-producing illness, brought on by a futile journey.

"Was it really necessary to say all that?" Lloyd asked. "I mean, the readers have obviously played the game, watched the anime, read the manga, or any combination of the three. They all know Colette's bull crap."

"Don't make me beat you," Kratos threatened, pulling out a stick.

"Yeah, so Colette's gonna die or something?" Sheena asked, scratching her head.

"No, she's just slowly losing her humanity," Lloyd said, poking a sleeping Colette with the stick. "Then she'll die. In a fiery explosion. Just like Kanye."

Everyone glared death at Genis for a few solid minutes.

"What?" he asked. "He wouldn't stop slapping me!"

"You didn't have to blow him up!" Sheena sobbed. "All those fiery pieces. It was so beautiful, and yet so violent."

Raine shook her head sadly. "His last words were, 'Imma let you finish.'"

"Um,hello? You do know I'm awake, right?" Colette said. "So you can stop poking me with that stick."

"No, I don't think I will." Lloyd stabbed her a few more times.

Ten minutes later, having dragged Colette's lazy ass out of bed, the group arrived at a pond. Because, don't you know it, unicorns can survive underwater. Yeah.

"So, with the unicorn horn, we can save Colette, Pietro, Clara, and Dorr?" Lloyd asked.

"Lloyd, Dorr is dead," Raine said, facepalming.

"…How about my mom?"

"She's dead, too."

"My dad?"

"Your dad's a douchebag," Raine said.

"Hi there," Kratos said.

"My other dad?"

"Lawl," Genis said. "Lloyd has two daddies."

"He's a dwarf," Raine said.

"…Joshua, Rosa's jilted lover?"

"What the hell? There's nothing wrong with Joshua!" Raine snapped.

"We could heal his broken heart," Colette said sadly.

"Hey! I be tryin' to sleep down here!" the unicorn shouted. However, above the water, it just sounded like, "Blub blub blub bloop!"

"Wow, that unicorn is singing!" Lloyd said. The unicorn raised its middle finger, despite the fact that it didn't have fingers.

"What a pretty song!" Colette said.

"Yeah...so anyway, let's go find Undine," Sheena said. "You know, so that we can blah blah blah."

"Yay! Field trip!" Lloyd and Colette skipped away.

And so, for the seventeenth time, the group headed all the way across the fucking continent to the Thoda Geyser. Again.

"So, these boats," Sheena said nervously. "They're not boats."

"Listen, I'm trying to knock out Raine, so if you could just get in and start paddling, that'd be great," Kratos said, throwing random items at the Professor.

"NO! WATER BAD!" she screamed, dodging the _Golden Girls 25__th__ Anniversary Complete Box Set _that was thrown at her.

After they'd finally knocked Raine out, they went over to the Thoda Geyser. After a long and uninteresting trip through a puzzle they already solved, they reached the altar.

That was when Genis and Colette started chanting.

"Pact! Pact!" Genis cried.

"Cactus! Jello!" Colette cried.

"Science! Science!" Raine cried.

"…! …!" Kratos cried.

Lloyd drooled. "Booobs. Boooobs."

"I'm gonna, um, head on over here," Sheena said. There was a blinding flash of light and the earth shook.

"What the-?" Undine rubbed her eyes. "Excuse me, I was asleep. I don't go around and wake your ass up to try and gain your power, do I?"

"Oh my god! More boobs!" Lloyd drooled more.

"And besides, I'm bound to Mithos." Undine pouted. "And let me tell you, it is creepy. He makes me give him sponge baths and go skinny dipping with him. Ugh."

"Mithos the Hero?" Lloyd said. "He could summon, too? Does anyone really care?"

"Not particularly," Kratos said, yawning. "Can we speed this up? I need to go mope for a while, followed by a few hours of being emo."

"Mithos is a common boy's name," Raine said. "Not like Genis, whose name was a cruel joke by our parents. It doesn't necessarily mean he's the hero."

"Then why haven't we have met anyone who's named Mithos?" Lloyd asked.

"For plot convenience later," Raine said.

"I am Sheena!" Sheena said.

"Good for you, sweetheart, but I really don't give a crap." Undine shrugged. "Sorry, can't form a pact."

"What now?" Sheena sweat-dropped. "They never told me about this when I was in ninja school."

"What should we do, Lloyd?" Colette asked.

"Well, how the fuck should I know? My age is higher than my IQ!" Lloyd said while trying to fit his hand into his ear. "I guess just try to cancel the old pact."

"How?" Sheena asked.

"I dunno, shoot him in the face?" Lloyd shrugged. "I ran out of ideas a while ago."

Kratos cleared his throat. "Weeeell, if this Mithos guy is dead or broke his pact, we should just be able to go ahead and do it."

"Yep," Undine said.

"Wow, really? And you neglected to mention this before because…?" Raine asked.

Undine shrugged. "You guys woke me up. Payback's a bitch, isn't it?"

"If the pact maker isn't dead yet and he's upheld the pact, there's nothing we can do," Kratos continued.

"Except shoot him in the face, right?" Lloyd said eagerly.

"Well, I'm cranky and PMSing. Let's fight," Undine said. She then proceeded to drown Genis. "That's for Kanye!"

"I will shoot you in the face!" Lloyd yelled, slashing her with his swords. "Roar!"

Undine punched him in the face. So Kratos sighed and stood there, defeating her with his sheer sexiness.

"You have bested me," Undine said. "And by the way, I'm free tomorrow night, so give me a call. What vow do you make?"

"What? Oh, well, I guess until death do us part." Sheena shrugged. "Some BS like that."

"…Try again."

"I vow to save people?" Sheena said. Undine nodded.

"That'll do. Mithos' vow was to always wear Spandex. Don't know why I agreed to that one, but there you are." In a bunch of floaty blue sparkles, Undine disappeared into a big blue rock.

"Wow, how pretty," Sheena said, picking up the three pound piece of blue raspberry rock candy.

"Do you think Undine will mind if I eat her?" Lloyd asked.

"Lloyd, there's no time for your vaguely sexual joke," Raine said.

"Vaguely? That wasn't vague," Kratos said.

"Kratos, you have a surprising breadth of knowledge," Raine commented.

"Why, thank you, I learned it all from a prostitute in-oh, you meant the summoning. Yeah, I knew an, um, 'acquaintance' who knew about Summon Spirits."

"So, by 'acquaintance', you mean gay lover, right?" Lloyd asked. Kratos kicked him repeatedly in the stomach, which is conveniently the key to ending the chapter.


End file.
